My Dark Rants

Silent Scream

   So have you ever had one of those dreams where you are like physically being tormented or hurt in some way and you can literally feel as you sleep or just as you wake up? Is that just me? Well I recently had a dream where I was just screaming, non-stop, as loud as I could. In the dream I was just trapped in my own kind of darkness but there was some kind of danger aimed straight at me, (it was like a gun or knife to my throat I'm pretty sure). As I screamed, no one came to help me, and there were people all around. I screamed so loud and long my voice broke and fell into airy silence. I woke up with the worst sore throat ever and I felt dizzy and confused.
   I connected it to how I feel in reality. I'm a shy person, quiet, and some people would say kind of cold. I'm very distant and don't share much information about myself to people unless I'm really close to them. Anyway, I, being so shy and distant, am often overlooked when it comes to "who do you remember the best". People see me, sure, they acknowledge the space I take up in this world and notice my resting bitch face, but they don't notice me as a person. I'm told to speak out more. But, like in the dream, when I cry and scream and plead for help, the people around me are oblivious. They acknowledge I'm there, but the darkness around me seems to hide and mute my screams for help. That darkness is the cold exterior that everyone sees before they truly get to know me. That resting bitch face. I have reasons for holding myself and subconsciously making a pissed off face, and one of them is because it's just my face. And the other is because I just figure that the right people will want to be my friend and to them I will open up to. I don't see the point in wasting my time and emotion on people who don't really care, unless I have to talk to them.
   Like some people in marching band, they're like my family and we've become close (not creepy or awkwardly close). We just look out for each other and stand up for one another. Except I'm stuck behind my brother's shadow; the legacy he left. I was thrown in there, to hold my own, and everyone assumed because I was this "legacy's" sister that I was okay. I look up to every single upperclassman, and when they scold me for having wrong technique or playing with bad tone, it makes me feel like a sad puppy. I just want to fit in at the least, and then when I've reached the upperclassman's level, I want to reach my brother's legacy.
  
I actually want to surpass him.

   We're brother and sister, best friends, but we're the biggest competitors to one another. Sure he's older, but I see him as my equal. I see that anything he can do, I want to be able to do too. He says he looks up to me for my maturity and emotional strength. He wrote a story about me, using me as his inspiration for a college assignment. We see each other as equals, looking up to each other, but also using each other a small idol of who we want to become. But one thing he has that I will never have; the ability to make himself be noticed. I'm casted away. I'm silent. I'm shy. I'm unnoticed. I want to be noticed for all the qualities I have to be able to help others and make a difference like my brother did. But he was so just, out there and friends with everyone and noticed by all the important people. No one knows I exist, no one really cares.
   In my dream I screamed and yelled and cried until I went silent. Until my screams were talked over. Literally, there were voices and the people around me, they talked over my screaming. I'm so unimportant. I'm so irrelevant. My needs and cries for help mean nothing to society. I don't stand out. So I remain screaming silently, my voice being overcome by the voices of society and the people around me. Maybe I won't ever be heard. Maybe my voice will always be lost in the sea of rumors and chitchat. But my brother's voice, his legacy will still be thrust upon me as if I can one-up it. They don't notice my screams for help, but like hell do they notice my flaws and mistakes.

Until I am heard, I can only keep screaming, throwing tantrums like a child. Until I am seen for me, and not my brother, I remain cold, because I see no point in wasting emotion and feelings on things people will just forget about anyway.

My silent scream remains lost in the hurricane of society.