Today started out all happy, and I was happy, everything was great. I don't know what's wrong exactly to be honest. I went through the usual school day routine and some things were stressful but in general it was a fun day. I put no effort into how I looked because of an 8th Grade Dance and I decided to put all my effort into that.
At the dance I felt extremely self conscious but I wanted to force myself to forget about it all, and just focus on having a good time. Well that was hard. With so many couples dancing together and being cute with each other, my boyfriend is across the world and I can't even touch his hand, the closest I can get is hearing his voice and seeing his face through video chat which cuts out because he's so far.
And seeing all the girls being held in guys' arms and even slow dancing I got jealous. I didn't say anything and I tried not to show it, but they don't realize how lucky they are their love life isn't separated by a constant 5 hour time difference and thousands of miles stands between us both. I saw Matheus when I watched the guys dance to be honest... and now I feel lonely.
I'm in physical pain (down there) and I've come to accept the fact that I'll probably have my lady's business on the trip on Monday, but oh well fuck it all. And I'm sad and lonely because Matheus fell asleep and I'll have finally fallen asleep when he just wakes up. I don't really care that this might sound dramatic, if you have ever been in love you understand the feeling and desire; the need to be next to them.
Not clingy, just have moments of sentimentality, and others where you can be yourself, the goofy, shy, and dark-minded nerd that I am. Not only do I feel like this because I became jealous (not of the boys or girls, but because they were able to touch, and I can't, its so hard) but I just kinda plummeted in my mental stability again. And I really REALLY want to turn back to anorexia... but this time I'll get caught for sure and it won't end pretty.
I'm absolutely exhausted so yeah.
DU LIEST GERADE
My Dark Rants
AcakThe world is changing every hour. The sun rises every morning. The moon takes its place every night. There is always a light in the sky, whether its sunlight or moonlight. But what happens when even on the brightest of days you cannot find the light...
