My Dark Rants

Worry

I'm not even sure to be honest what I'm stressing over. I write these entries at like midnight because that's when my thoughts are most, I guess deep. But that's also when my mind is most unstable. Like I'm having a battle with Ed right now to be honest. I wan't to eat something because I skipped lunch, except for an apple and water, and breakfast was literally a couple mini doughnuts, and like one bit of an egg, and dinner was on like 3x3in piece of pizza, oh and my friend and I made cookies and I ate like 3. That's literally all I've eaten today. AND GUESS WHAT. I wasn't even cutting down my portions on purpose. I just forgot to eat. I was so wrapped up in either my phone (not just texting it was mostly like Instagram or WeHeartIt), I just totally forgot to eat. And then when I came home I had like the rest of the mini donuts which was literally three, and some pineapple, I forgot that I had eaten that.
But do you see what I mean? Food isn't my priority, and it's Ed's fault. If I forget to eat his voice just says like "Oh well, you're fine anyway you're not hungry." And it's that dark and intimidating voice that is overpowering the good voice in my mind telling me I really should eat. So while all that is I guess stressing me out, I'm working on this project and I won't say what it is or many details about it. But I fucked up. I goddamn messed up a giant part of it and when I looked at it I literally wanted to break down and cry. It literally has to do with art, and I messed up a piece of art, and I literally wanted to break down and cry looking at the piece of shit in front of me. And my mom was trying to calm me down and saying I could start over but like the rest of it is just fine, I would almost say it's perfect! BUT IT'S THAT ONE THING. AND IT IS TORTURING ME. So I'm worried about that.
My grades dropped. And that is not okay with me. My mom says she doesn't care as long as I pass the class. But I do care, I wanna get the highest GPA that I can and I want to stay in all GT classes it took me this long to make it I'm not giving up at this point. But I have only 3 A's and now I've got 2 C's, and a B. I'm really bother by the C's because I want to keep no less than a B. I JUST SUCK AT TAKING TESTS AND QUIZZES. I swear I understand the curriculum 99.999% BUT THEN THE TEST COMES ALONG AND I EITHER OVERTHINK OR BLANK OUT. AND I END UP GETTING 53%. I wanna be better man. I also fucked a Biology quiz as well as a Geometry quiz. Both had just sad grades on them.

Well I don't know what else I could be stressing over. I mean I always worry about how Matheus is doing at home, and I swear to God I wish there was more I could do besides just sit here and watch and probably just irritate him more because I'm just telling him he should try things he's already done or know won't work, this is regarding a difficult situation.

(Holy fuck I just heard a noise downstairs and I'm really scared)

But I don't know what else to say or do for him and I just worry so much I probably don't even need to worry this much I don't know why I do I just want him to be happy and content. Respected and feeling proud. But I can only do so much when I live across the world T^T.

Well I can't keep my eyes open and I'm struggling to type all of this so Goodnight. By the way, after hearing that noise I'm not going to eat food now, even though I'm super hungry. Too bad, its literally almost midnight anyway.