My Dark Rants

Bleh

   I honestly hate everything right now. You know, just kinda woke up feeling like shit. I woke looking like shit. I am shit. So you catch my drift hopefully. I'm just tired of living, but tired of wanting to let everything go. I'm tired of having to be cautious about what I watch, what I hear and all that because of trigger warnings. And everyone is always like either "wuts wrong wit her" oR "oHMyGOd ArE yOu oKAy" and so I'm kinda just torn between saying yes I'm fine or begging for help. I get help from a therapist which is all fine and dandy but I need medication. At this point there is no doubt about I can't keep going like this, because at the rate I'm going I'll end up jumping off the nearest bridge onto the railroad tracks below. I probably wouldn't actually die because 1. It's not that far of a fall, 2. Hardly any trains even use that railway but I would come out of it really banged up and probably a concussion.
    My other problem, is people who think being depressed is "cool". IT.IS.NOT. And it's just disrespectful to the people who actually have depression. People making suicidal jokes; stop. You're not funny. You are triggering. (*cough* triggered) People acting like they are depressed when it is just a normal sadness THAT ALL humans get; stop, please, if you have real depression that means your sadness lasted for over TWO WEEKS. It just bothers me because often times THOSE people are the ones who get attention and help vs. the people who are actually hiding their arms and legs for a reason, and being called emo as if it were their real name. People give me so much shit you know. I'm a nerd, I've learned to just accept it. But people are not making it any easier. I was like talking to this one guy I sit next to in Spanish and I was talking about marching band and he was like "Wait you're in marching band? We can't talk anymore. You're a geek." AND I WAS ABOUT TO FUCKING PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE but I was also feeling sick so I just rudely said "Have you not noticed how nerdy I am anyway." and he was like "Oh I've noticed." and laughed at me. So basically, jackasses live among the entire planet and there is no escape. Great.
   I also probably don't feel motivated to live because I'm sick. When I get sick I can be very moody or sad. (Like when mother nature comes around every month too :')) But this time its mostly just sad. There was this book I read once that triggered me into being suicidal, this was last year tho. I realized I needed help and gave the book back to who it belonged to because I was just borrowing it. Well in a similar sense, that's what's happened recently. I've been triggered by many things that are starting to drag me down and I'm running out of will power to keep going, and it's only the third week of school. When I told my friends I was sick none of them even noticed. Literally none of them. I said it like three times but I guess they didn't care and much less even noticed I wasn't there. So yeah I might as well just NOT be there because what difference do I make besides take up space. My brother would rather be with his girlfriend than be with me. She's his first choice over me, so I feel so loved now. I'm his third choice whenever he wants to go somewhere with someone. He wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival and he asked his girlfriend, who at first could go but then some scheduling thing happened. Then he asked his friend, who like never answers his phone so he was unsure about that guy. NOW he's like "Hey you wanna go? I couldn't find anyone else." Gee great thanks.
    I made cookies at least. My brother is probably gonna give me shit because I'm sick and I made cookies. He'll be like "Ew I'm not eating them you'll get me as sick as you" and like half of me is like Okay more for me and the other is like bitch I spent 2 good fucking long hours perfecting them and I washed my hands literally seven times, but its whatever I guess. I just feel like shit.