My Dark Rants

Baby Girl

The world has been constructing my demise. I have been harmed by none other than myself. Just as I thought skies were clearing, a huge ass black cloud shoved its way into my view, and created a tormenting and torturing hurricane to whip me around. My head smashed into concrete. My body was flung into walls. My limbs were stretched beyond their capability. This is what it feels like to suffer on the inside, and yet no pain on the outside is ever shown. None unless one carves it there themselves.
     My father has found another woman. She is 20. He is 50. My father and my real mother have not even officially divorced yet. Not only this. My father proceeds to pretend I don't exist and has not actually told me about this fucking 20 year old he is engaged to. I found this out because my brother follows him on facebook, and his "fiancé" does a horrible job of keeping a secret. He also just posted two pictures of him and this child he calls "baby" and "princess". I actually almost smashed my phone into shards.
     My reaction to whenever I have to be around him is pure anxiety, and fuming anger. He wants to have a private talk with me about my behavior. I doubt it will end in a fixed father-daughter relationship. I highly, highly doubt it.
     My emotions have been unbelievable unstable, as well as my mental state, I guess. Unfortunately like, last week, one night I just lost all control. I'm better now but there are still 'scars' or whatever. I feel so alone, yet I kind of like it. It's as it used to be, but at the same time, I don't want it to be as it used to be. I used to he alone with no friends and I thought I was happy because it was a defense mechanism I created so middle school wouldn't hurt me as bad as it had been before. High school is so different than middle school I left my old defense and just opened up more. My mistake when you meet snakes who you thought you could trust. Who you thought would actually care about you and not themselves.
     I always had my boyfriend. But then— I understand the circumstances— he wanted to take a break. Not going to lie, it feels good to try and focus on myself for a day or so, but, and I've always known this, without the texts from that special someone, and with no one there to look forward to when you get home, I feel meaningly, purposeless, emotionless. Just like I did before.

Just like it used to be.

     I would, when we weren't takin' a break, act like a baby sorta, to get his attention and so he would give me affection. And I never really did learn how to control my emotions as a child, I learned how to hide them. So when I got upset at anything I'd end up going on a toddler tantrum. I know, no matter what he says, that it frustrated him. I know it did. I'd get swept up into this tornado of emotions and I'd have to tire myself  out before you could approach me without getting a shit ton of attitude and sass as a response.
     God I hate myself for that.
I'd also just, everything I do is for him. I'd wait and wait and wait for him to come back and he did but it took hours when he had said 30 minutes.
     He got distracted. His phone died. He charges it, then he gets distracted for another 45, his phone loses charge again, so he charges it, and finally comes back.
     I'd draw pictures of him not even thinking about it. I'd play songs thinking of him. I'd write him paragraphs, send him texts, send him videos and pictures to make him happy. He always said he'd send something back to make me happy too but he most of the time forgot. I'd say it's not a big deal because I knew he felt bad and I didn't want him upset even if I'm the one disappointed.

     Today I cried literally from 12:15[am] to 19:45 [7:45pm] in my room. I completely kicked and punched the shit out of my punching bag. It's got serious dents and crack in it. I cried and fought because I just had so many emotions thrashing and burning and roaring in my body, my veins. I could actually feel something in my chest tearing, where my heart would be. I read somewhere that if a human experiences a very strong emotional pain, tissue around the heart may actually tear. Not to the point where it's dangerous, but a person's heart can actually tear.
     I thought I knew pain but I only get to know deeper and harsher pain as I grow older. He tells me to be strong and trust me I am. I know that this "break" is not a break up. It's just. What more can I do for him anymore? I've done and am doing literally all I can and it seems like its just not enough. Sometimes, not a LOT of time but kind of often, my efforts to be a good girlfriend, to show him my loyalty and faithfulness, are not recognized, are not appreciated, or if they are, there is not much expression to make it feel like they are.

     She's a baby girl who sucks her thumb and whines when she's upset because all her life she was forced to hide and conceal instead of maturely reveal her sadness anger and negative aura. So now that she's reached her limit her body is crumbling as the days and weeks and months go by, and pain and sorrow and hurt gets stronger.

     I would know. That baby girl is me.