My Dark Rants

I'm not hungry

So like I genuinely say I don't know whether or not I was going through an eating disorder, or if I still am. I would not say I had/have anorexia because I don't purposely not eat. I forget to eat. I straight just don'g remember to eat and before I know it, 8 hours have passed and I haven't even had water. It's not the healthiest lifestyle, and my parents are always nagging me to eat. I'll eat soon I tell them. On one hand, while I get a little hungry, I ignore it because at the same time I'm losing weight. I exercise don't just think that I 'starve' myself. And again I don't exactly do it on purpose, but when I realize I haven't eaten I just think oh well that's too bad, maybe later.
I've lost about 16 pounds in 3 months and I'm kind of proud. I refuse to let that weight come back because now I can fit back into shorts and shirts that are a size medium or even small at Hot Topic and if you know that store the smalls are SMALL. My goal is to be within 120 to 115 and I am telling my goal that might not be accurate. Who knows, maybe I'll want to be smaller. I can do it. I don't care. If I want to, if I can get to my goal right now, I might. Being small in weight makes it easier to be a gymnast which if you know me well, gymnastics is my life. Or... it was until I spiraled into depression. Now everyone hears my name thinks "art/music". Well I'm artsy and all but I'm athletic and I refuse to let my athleticism be ignored.
I lost so much confidence after watching all my friends reach their back handsprings after two practices. I would always fail, and end up embarrassing myself. Of course with everyone laughing at me I would just laugh it off as well, thinking I was just a failing clown to all the others. After about another three weeks of continuously hurting my neck from landing on it so many times, and becoming a laughing stock to like, the whole gym I gave it up. I figured you know what f*ck this, f*ck them for being so good at it. I love gymnastics, I love the rush in my blood and the stoke I get when I do it. But it wasn't worth it if all I get out of it is a bruised face, sprained neck and embarrassment. I can't tell you how many times my knee smashed into my face, how many times I got caught in the harness upside down, and how many times I landed on my neck literally in that damn gym.
But you live and you learn, right? Psh, I don't learn. You would think after making that same mistake of undercutting a back handspring, not keeping my arms straight, not keeping my eyes on my hands, and not letting my fear control me, that I would learn. But still I make those mistakes. And I have to wait until at least mid-Spring until I can actually put my handsprings into action. Round-offs? I have them down perfectly. But it's not enough. They are so damn simple, so damn basic. I'm tired of being stuck on low level 4-5. I know I can do a "round-off, back handspring, back tuck" and maybe even a Salto off of the long track. With a small, thin body, and strong muscles I can get closer to that goal. And when I can do it once, I can get over the fears. I can push away the past of all the embarrassment and pain and move on. So I'm not hungry. I'm not telling you or myself that I'm fat. I only know I can be thinner. I will do push ups, back bends, round-offs, back walkovers, front handsprings, and no, I'm not hungry.