My Dark Rants

I feel fat.

     I legit feel fat, I've gained weight. I gained everything I worked hard to get rid of. And it goes toward my lower stomach and thighs and while that might not seem so awful; I want to be slim and stuff. I don't have a goal weight, I just want to be as skinny as I can without dying I guess. I've gotten so tired of looking at myself, and hating it.
But anyway... as I look at myself... I see everything I worked towards DESTROYED. COMPLETELY DESTROYED. An ugly ass short-ish and yet tall-ish bitch of a teenager who cries and worries over the littlest things, who has loved someone more than she loves herself and would die in an instant with no regret or second thought if it were to allow him to stay alive. But people have told me, "Oh my gosh no stop saying that you are so pretty, you are so nice, you're not fat-" Well let me just STOP you there. I am fat for my height and age and frankly, I'm fat for my ethnicity's stereotype. We've supposedly got TINY waists, huge asses AND boobs, NOT ONE OR THE OTHER, and we're short, 5 ft. 2 AT THE MAX, and we've supposedly got really long sexy-ass hair that's never messy no matter what. WELL GUESS WHAT. I DON'T. I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE STEREOTYPING.

PEOPLE LOOK AT ME AND THINK I'M WHITE. Honestly I don't care what they think I am ethnic-wise. They thought I was Canadian... I don't know how or why but whatever. BUT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY TOLD ME;

You need to be more like a Latina, you have to wear this, and this, and you have to act like this, you have to dance like this. AND I SHIT YOU FUCKING NOT, MY FAMILY TOLD ME I HAVE TO DANCE "SEXY" AT PARTIES. HELL TO THE FUCKING NO I AM NOT GOING TO ACT LIKE A SLUT EVEN IF THAT'S JUST HOW MY FAMILY DANCES.
I HAVE A SUPPORT BEAM IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BASEMENT AND IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKIN STRIPPER POLE, DOES THAT MEAN IT HAS TO BE USED LIKE ONE!? NO.

And along with that, when I told them I'm not like that they got like extremely butthurt. Like I'm sorry, but I'm not 100% Latina and I've grown up in America, I can't exactly twerk and drink tequila like you idiots can. And it doesn't help that now that my parents are officially separated that my dad's side (the Hispanic side) is even more like YOU NEED TO HANG OUT WITH US MORE (omg the thunder and lightning right now) and I'm just kinda like.... hehhh.... I don't know man.... are you gonna make me wear a tight dress and dance again.....?
    And another thing is that I am losing literally ALL of my patience. When people do things I don't like, I'm having trouble hiding it. Like, also, the smallest things that people do are starting to REALLY irk me. I just am losing complete patience for everything. Like I'm frickin losing patience for buildings... I hit my arm on a wall and I punched and kicked it back harder than I bumped into it. And sometimes I get so irritated that I almost take it out on people either verbally or physically, but I have enough self-control to hold it back. To be honest I'm afraid I'll be like my dad, with all the anger issues and stuff, so I refuse to let myself get angry. If I let myself get angry, then the guilt rushes through me the moment I look back, and I see myself as my father and I get even more angry because then I'm like "I will hurt more people if I keep doing this; not being able to control my anger or impatience." And then that leads me to over-eating. I've started to lose control. And now I've gained a few pounds, and I cry about it almost every night. And now... I will work it all off in any way possible.