sorry // justin bieber

44.- deep breaths

Halley

Me: okay sorry

Farrah: it was about fucking time

Me: i'm sorry

Farrah: for what exactly hmm

Me: for telling you to go fuck yourself for taking care of me

Me: i thought you were just joking when you asked me

Farrah: Halley I only want the best for you, you're my friend

Me: it's been a while since i don't do friends very well

Farrah: what are you talking about? we've been friends for a long time

Me: idk

Farrah: why are you upset?

Me: idk

Farrah: Halley talk to me please I'm your best friend

Me: i'm okay, i'll call you later

Farrah: okay

I take a deep breath and wonder how long am I willing to keep this going. How long will I be able to stand this loneliness. Why do I keep feeling like she, my best friend, doesn't deserve to know the truth? To know me? What is this stupid fence I'm creating?

I wonder, why do I keep calling her my best friend, and if such thing exists at all. Do we really find in this crappy existence another person who can wish nothing but the best for us? A person who has no interest on getting something out of you, but does everything out of good faith? Does that person actually exists? Why haven't I find it yet? Because Farrah doesn't seem to be that to me anymore. I can't let those shitty things go, I insist on carrying that backpack with us, bringing her wrong choices back to the present, remembering all the things she did wrong, and just thinking to myself: what the hell was she thinking when she did this? Feeling like I've always cared for her, thinking how what I do could affect her, and it doesn't seem like she's done the same. 

I take long deep breaths, trying to calm myself down, feeling like an awful person for doing this to her but at the same time I don't want to stop. I feel like I'm trapped on a dead end street I don't want to pull myself out of.

I try to say sorry but the minute later I regret it. Why can't I be a practical person like my dad always tells me to? Why do I have to be so emotional? Why do I get carried away by my heart?

I cover my face with my hands, thinking of how am I supposed to get out of this. It's either out of my friendship or out of the endless pit of pride that's keeping me away from people.

I can't stop myself from wondering if Farrah actually cares for me or she just doesn't want to be alone. 

So when the text from Justin pops up on my phone screen I can't help but using it as an escape from everything else.

Justin: what is your favorite coffee shop?