sorry // justin bieber

53.- believe

Justin

"Why?" I ask her completely serious.

"There's not a reason" she shrugs, "it's like I once told you... Sometimes it's not that you want to die, it's just that there's not really something to live for".

"What about your dad?"

"It was around the time my dad left and the fights started to happen every time he was home" she tells me.

"I want to hear your story" I confess.

"I'm not sure I want you to hear it" she tells me with a sad smile and watery eyes.

"Can I know why?"

"Because I don't want you to have that image of me" she sobs, "And it's your birthday, we're going to ruin it".

"It's just a day, Halley" I remind her, "And the image of you I want to have is exactly the one you don't want to show me: I want the real one".

"What if you don't like it?"

"You'll still have an ear to bother whenever you want" I reply smiling a little.

She takes deep breaths and then she begins telling me her story.

"I was sad" she looks at the ceiling to avoid the tears, "I was lonely. I've been fighting with my best friend, my mom was always at work so she couldn't catch up with any of the things that were going on, my dad was in another country and-" she stops herself.

"And?"

"And you were becoming this person I didn't recognize anymore" she blurt out. "I don't blame you for the way I was feeling" she clarifies immediately, "I... Started to loose my faith in everything, I guess, not just you" she frowns, "I used to believe there was a god somewhere above us, now I believe there's only stars".

"You don't believe in God?" I ask her a little surprised.

"You know how Einstein said God didn't play dice with the universe?" she asks me with squinted eyes. "Well, Woody Allen said God didn't play dice with the universe, he played hide and seek, and I agree with him. I agree because shitty things happen in the world, everywhere, all the time, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. There's amazing and innocent people suffering for things they shouldn't suffer for. And it pisses me off" she says with her voice a little raspy. "So I prefer not to believe in god than to believe in one that's hiding from us".

I look at her with my arms crossed over the table.

"What? You're not going to say anything?" she questions.

"No" I say, slowly shaking my head.

"I know you believe in God" she adds, "And I want to believe in something good, but I can't anymore".

"You can always believe in people" I tell her and she keeps quiet, "Because there is good people out there, and that is a fact" I add, "There's people helping children, helping older adults and animals with no interest beyond doing the right thing. That's something to believe in".

"I wish I could've think like that back then", she says.

"Don't forget it, Halley" I tell her, "And if you ever want to kill yourself, please call me first".