Cold-Hearted

Fifteen

Fifteen

Gelamine Arandela

I strangled my hair out of frustration. I just realized, I freakin' have a lot of clothes, literally a lot. Sa sobrang dami ay hindi ako makapili kung anong susuotin ko. Should I wear black? baka mahalata niyang bitter ako hanggang ngayon. Or should I wear white then? Masyado bang pormal? Mababaliw na ata ako. Isang oras na akong hindi makapili kung anong susuotin.

Napaupo na lang ako. A thought came. Ba't naman ako mag-eeffort na magbihis sa kaniya? Hell yeah! Bakit nga ba?! Napatayo ako and grabbed the simplest clothing I could see. White jeans, long sleeves dark blue turtleneck top, and my fave stilletos. These would do.

Up until now, I'm still nervous, scared or what. I don't know how would I react if I see him or if our eyes meet, what should I say? Hi? Should I slap him first then? No, no, magmumukha akong bitter. This is making me crazy! Ugh!

Hindi na lang kaya ako sumipot? No way! Baka sabihin pa niyang affected pa ako. I shrugged all the thoughts that are bothering me and focused on putting my makeup on. I need to look my best, para naman may konting pagsisisi kung ba't niya ako pinakawalan.

I've curled my hair and put on minimal make-up. Nang matapos ako ay agad akong lumabas. I saw Oli waiting for me, nang nilingon niya ako ay napangiti siya.

"Akala ko 'di ka na sisipot." She said. Tahimik lang akong sumunod sa kaniya. "You're planning to, right?" I smiled and she already knew the answer.

While we were on the car, hindi ko mapigilan ang kaba. Hindi na ako mapakali. Baka mamaya ay mahimatay pa ako. Gosh! Nakakahiya.

"You're so so so nervous!" Natatawang sabi ni Lucien, napaupo ako ng maayos.

"Not really." I tried to say as confident as I could.

"You're biting your nails, halos maubos mo na nga ang kuko mo." Nakangiting sabi ni Oli. The scene was unbelievable, akala ko ay seseryoso silang tatlo, instead they're keeping the situation light and not awkward. And I'm really thankful, naiibsan ng konti ang kaba ko.

Maybe I spoke too soon.

"Gel, just tell him what you really feel okay? Ilabas mo na lahat ng hinanakit. Ask all the question you've been wanting to ask. Punch or slap him. Kahit ano. Do yourself a favor. Hmmkay?" I heard Lucien said. Napatingin ako sa kaniya at ngumiti. Tumango ako.

"Hear his side too. You need his explanations, he owes you that." Danger said. I mouthed thanks, tila wala nang lumalabas na boses sa bibig ko. Baka mamaya ay wala akong masabi. Ugh.

Nakarating na kami. They got out of the car, leaving me. Gosh, pwede pa bang hindi sumipot? I wish I could stay in the car forever. The car door opened, nagdadalawang-isip pa ako kung tutuloy pa ba ako.

"Oli..." I called her. I think I'm not ready yet and I know she can see hesitation in my eyes.

"Do it for yourself Gel. It's your turn to be happy. You can't be miserable forever." She said. I got out of the car and every step feels so heavy. I hugged Oli, my breathing was even heavy and I can feel my rapid heart beat.

"It's going to be okay. Kaya mo 'to hindi ba? You're Gel Arandela. You're a strong woman."

Kumalas siya sa aking yakap and held both of my shoulders. "You can do it. Trust me, trust us, trust yourself." Tumango ako. I can do this. Napapikit ako at humugot ng isang malalim na hininga. I walked towards the cafe with my legs shaking.