One sick love story

Back to square one

So I'm back again... Back to square one.

I've been settled in a private room, all by myself... But that's not a good sign.
I'm in my hospital gown and apparently I'm going to surgery in just a few minutes.
I knew they said things were going
To be happening quickly, but I'm seriously shocked by how rushed it's all been. It's much more rushed than last time.
I'm back to being one of the sickest ones again. And chemotherapy hasn't even started yet. My body is sick, but I haven't felt it significantly on the outside yet.

On my last day of chemo over 5 months ago, I remember watching melody and how scared she was and how loads of doctors were coming into her room. I was happy that I wasn't the sick one anymore. But now I'm back, and it's my first day and I'm already one of the most sickest ones here.
I've barely had five minutes by myself, doctors and nurses just continuously coming in my room to prep me for surgery and attach an IV line. After I get my port put back in, I won't need to use an IV. IV's hurt a lot more than ports. But my port was always annoying and i'd always hoped that I never had to see that small lump coming out of my chest ever again.
Well... There are many things that I hoped never to happen again, but they have happened, and I guess moaning about it isn't going to help.

I'm now lying on my bed, already starting to feel weak. The Cancer in me is growing fast, so fast that I can literally feel it taking over a new part of my body each day.

Ben is holding my hand over the edge of the bed. I watch him out the corner of my eye, as he stares deeply into my deteriorating soul. I can stop myself from dying, (technically right now I am dying, without treatment)  I just need to get through this chemotherapy.

My mum is pacing up and down the room, with her head in her hands and breathing wearingly.
"Mum it's alright, I feel fine, honestly."
She looks at me but refuses to reply. I'm lying... About being fine. And I think it's got to a point where she can see through what's on the outside, and see the sick person underneath that is waiting to be revealed.

Finally, the nurse comes in.
"They're ready for you in surgery now Darcy"
"Okay, Thankyou nurse. Come on Darcy " my mum says and walks over to the bed to give me a hand getting up.
"Mam, she can go in a wheelchair If she wants, it might be easier."
"No, she's fine, she can walk. "
"How about we ask darcy"
Everyone looks over to me.
Well... To be honest I would prefer a wheelchair, I don't think my body will be able to take walking all the way up to surgery. But I can see in my mums eyes the desperation to know that I'm okay. Even though she kind of knows the truth,  I think she's in a bit of denial, she just wants to show herself that I am not sick yet and that I can walk to surgery. Even though we both know deep down that I can't, I'm going to do it anyway. It will make me more relaxed, and less tense knowing that my mum will be slightly happier whilst I'm in surgery.

"Look after her ben" I say just before I  lay on the operating table.
"She'll be alright Darcy, just concentrate on yourself yeah. I'll see you on the other side"
He gives me a cheeky wink and makes me feel at ease with going into the first surgery. I will see him on the other side... A new side to life.
On the other side, I will be a different person to the one who came in.
I won't just be a 17 year old girl anymore... I will be a sick Cancer patient who is fighting for her own life...

--

I'm thankful it's over, but really, it's only just getting started.
It's been a few hours since I woke up and I'm recovered now, and just lying back in my room with ben and my mum.
Dr. Kartor is just coming in to tell me what's actually going on
"Hi doctor" my mum shakes his hand. Then he walks over and sits in a chair next to my bed.
"Hi everyone, how you feeling darcy, alright?" He asks then places his hand on my forehead "yeah, still quite hot but the fluids should help with that."
"I'm alright thanks" I say.
"Good. Now, we still won't be getting the full results from your MRI until later this afternoon, but for now, I want to get you started on chemotherapy."
"Already!" My my sounds shocked.
"Yes Sarah, we don't know exactly how bad it is, but it's crucial that we start chemo now, every single day is going to be important, and we have no more time to loose. So, I'm putting you on a very strong dose of chemo, so you will need to have 3 hours of fluid before and after to protect your organs. I will be in this afternoon with more results and we can make an exact plan of what's going to happen over the next few months alright."
"Thankyou Doctor" my mum says then shakes his hand (again) as he walks out.
"Darcy, if you don't mind I'm just going to get some fresh air" says my mum looking very flustered and stressed.
"Yes mum, of course, that's fine"
And she walks out leaving just me and ben in the room.