Forever December[2011 Watty Awards]

Forever December: Chapter 23: Depression

*Forever December*

*Chapter 23: Depression*

I watched Rian crawl around on the ground next to April. Lately, she’d been watching me every time I’d been with my daughter. I didn’t blame her, my depression hadn’t gone away. Who knew if I’d just walk upstairs and leave Rian alone?

There comes a moment when you realize that it’s over. The hurt may last, but it’s all over. There’s nothing you can do about it, no matter what happens. It took me a bit to realize that, but I didn’t stop blaming myself for Rowan’s death.

No mother should have to bury her child.

No child should die before his life begins.

It didn’t stop death from wrapping its arms around my son.

The doorbell pushed me away from my thoughts. I took a glance at April, who was obviously not daring to move. I stood up and walked to the white door that clung to the open space. Roxin stood on the other side of the door.

Panicked, I tried to close the door. He stopped it with his foot. His dirty-blonde hair had grown longer over the two months. I looked into his blue eyes and suddenly, my heart pounded in my chest. I saw the pain in his eyes, the grief. I wanted to pull him into my arms and hug him, but I knew that was a bad idea. Instead, I spoke. “What are you doing here?” It was barely loud enough for him to hear.

“I…I wanted to apologize,” he whispered, pushing open the door a bit more, so he could see my face. I looked away from him; if I saw that he meant it, I’d probably throw myself into his arms and weep. “I’m sorry about Rowan, too.”

Just like that, my heart shattered again. It happened each and every time I heard his name. “Thanks,” I muttered.

“Can I come in? I just want to talk.” I hesitated and looked back at Rian in her little blue dress my mom had bought her yesterday. Her black bow moved as she crawled away from April.

“Come back here!” She yelled at my daughter. I cracked a small smile.

“Come on in.”

Roxin gingerly closed the door behind him. I didn’t know how April would react as we walked into the living room. She stopped, Rian in her arms. “What is he doing here?” April hissed, glaring at Roxin. It didn’t surprise me. “Here to push the baby down the stairs, too?”

I held my arms out for Rian and nodded towards the door. April gave me a look that said are you sure? I smiled and took my daughter. “Take a seat,” I said, kissing her forehead. I sat down on the mahogany couch, followed by Roxin.

Roxin stared at Rian as if she was gold he’d just found. Maybe it was how much she looked like Parker. “She looks like you,” he said. I hadn’t expected that. Usually, people told me she looked nothing like me.

“Not really. She looks more like Parker.”

“Yeah,” Roxin began, “but she has your nose, and ears, see?” He tapped Rian on the nose. She giggled and grasped his finger. “Hey there little one,” he cooed. I held onto her. There was no way that he was holding my baby. As much as I wanted to, I didn’t trust Roxin one bit.

“I should have been here when it happened, Dee.” Roxin looked up and our eyes locked once again. I searched for what he meant, but looked away because I already knew what he meant. “I wish I could have stopped what happened to-“

“You don’t think I wish that could happen, too?” I nearly yelled. Rian surprisingly didn’t start crying. “He was my son! H..he’s dead. His funeral…it’s…”