decoding the boys ✔️

39 - lhyle

Who was I kidding?

We were definitely not just friends. I was just deluding myself, hiding under that pathetic guise, para may rason akong makita pa siya. Ano na lang sasabihin ni Kuya Jacob?

Or was I even afraid of Kuya pa? Was I afraid of myself more?

If people saw how we acted last night, no one with a right mind would believe us na magkaibigan lang kami. If I couldn't even fool myself, I could never fool anyone. Besides, I had this feeling that Racel didn't even want to settle with just friendship. Magkaiba kami ng stand. Ako para hindi kami gaanong masaktan. Siya, he'd only settled for me, to make sure I wouldn't end everything.

He didn't have to worry. I didn't think kaya ko pang gawin 'yon. I'd fallen way beyond. There's no turning back. We entered this stage of in-between without my knowing. Kahit na pinigilan ko, no matter how hard I emphasized we were just friends, we were completely acting like lovers. Lovers without any labels.

Sa madaling salita, M.U.

Fuck.

I should've ended things before it escalated to this point but what was I to do?

I buried myself on the pillows, grunting.

I hated this. Kung dati ay attracted lang ako kay Racel, ngayon siguradong sigurado na akong gusto ko siya. Gustung gusto. At naiinis ako na nangyari 'to sa kabila ng pagpigil ko sa sarili ko. I knew the repercussions. Yet here I was. I couldn't control myself.

Natatakot ako. Natatakot akong magustuhan siya. Natatakot akong magmahal. Natatakot ako na gusto niya din ako.

I wasn't ready to gamble. On top of my fear of my brothers was my fear of getting hurt and played again. I loved Rohann with everything I had before. He left me broken and vulnerable. Now I was going through the same thing and I was afraid I'd end up the same.

Pero wala na akong magagawa. Wala namang nagawa ang pagpipigil ko.

Akala ko kapag naintindihan ko na ang boys, kapag alam ko na ang mga players, magiging immune na ako sa kanila; na mas magkaka-control ako sa sarili ko. I was so stupid to think I could control my heart, that I was above love. I prided myself with this, only to have it backlash on me big time.

Ni hindi ko nga alam kung anong klase si Racel when it comes to love. Was he a player? Sabi niya, hindi. Sa nakikita ko, parang hindi rin. But one can never know.

If he's not, then what kind of lover was he? What would he want from a girl? I wasn't even sure if he wanted anything serious with me. Sure, he kept on hinting that he liked me, that he wanted more. Kahit ayokong mag-assume, obvious naman. 'Yon lang, hindi ako sigurado kung it automatically meant na he wanted a relationship. Did he? Did I?

Shit. Ayokong malaman. Natatakot ako sa posibleng mangyari.

This was all I could offer. Even though I wanted so much more of him. Hanggang dito lang ang kayang ibigay ng kaduwagan ko.

It occured to me then. That I was really really selfish.

***

On Saturday, I was edgy and antsy. We were supposed to go out today pero sa ginawa ko, tuloy pa ba kami? Hindi ako mapakali kahit na nung nasa klase ako. Tingin ako nang tingin ko sa phone ko but I wasn't receiving any text message.

Pupunta pa ba ako mamaya? Would I be waiting in vain?

Napailing ako when I realized that's probably what he'd been doing all this time-waiting in vain.

After classes, hindi pa muna ako umuwi. Still no text from Racel. Tumambay na lang muna ako sa library to review my notes. But that was hard to do when all I could remember were his lips and his hurt expression that day.