decoding the boys ✔️

epilogue

Jamie Vanna De Villa

Maybe this is how growing up is. You gain some, you lose some. May mga dumaraan lang. May mga bagay at taong nawawala. Hindi lahat pwedeng sa 'yo.

In this case, I lost Racel and found my way back.

Back to where I belong.

It hurt. So much. Minsan naiisip ko bakit pa siya dumating kung mananakit lang din pala? Numerous questions were circling in my head. Questions I'd never get the answers to.

Hanggang ngayon, mahirap tanggapin. Yung lahat ng pinangarap mo. Lahat ng plano mo. Lahat ng inaasahan mo, gone in an instant. Everything I knew shattered in less than a day. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang dapat isipin. Kung sino ang dapat paniwalaan. Ano ang totoo sa hindi.

What we had, was any of it real?

Did he ever love me?

Or had it always been Hiromi and I was just a fucking pawn he used to get back at my brothers. A collateral damage.

Racel said it had been real. But was it, really? Can you really lie for that long to someone you love?

And then there was Hiromi. Paano niya nagawa sa 'kin 'yon? I loved her like a real sister. I could accept anyone else pero yung siya? Tangina. It's damn unthinkable! It hurt all the more kasi siya 'yon. Maybe I'd be less damaged had it been someone else. But no, it had to be her.

Fate is indeed cruel. Fucking cruel. It messes you up real good. Now it left me with nothing. Wala na.

Wala na.

Hindi ko maisip na wala na. Tapos na ang lahat. Sa isang iglap, nasira ang lahat. All those memories. Those fights. Those promises. Lahat ng pinagdaanan namin, nabalewala. Nasayang. After everything . . . And it took one mistake to send my life crumbling.

I guess it was the mistake of loving too much, of building my world around him. Ngayon? I was stripped to nothing, left vulnerable in the open.

I hadn't seen him since. He looked for me but I never really gave him another chance. I figured hindi ko kaya at hindi na rin ako hahayaan nina Kuya na lumapit pa sa kanya.

I guess it was really over?

The thought made me sick. Not seeing him from now on . . . God.

I would miss him. His touch, his scent, his kisses. I would miss his eyes, his lips and those hands. Those crazy nights. Those late night calls. Those warm fuzzy moments. I would miss everything about him. Pero kasabay ng mga 'yon, yung sakit na dinudulot sa 'kin ng mga nakita ko. We're marred. I didn't think I could ever forget it. Kahit pa magbalikan kami, hindi ko na kaya. 'Cause I would remember. I would remember and I would always get hurt. I might hurt him, too.

Besides, I wasn't a hundred percent sure if he really loved me. There was always that possibility, too.

Marami akong tanong. Maraming gumugulo sa isip ko. Kung sana kinausap ko siya nang mas mahaba pa at hinayaang magpaliwanag, baka nalinawan ako.

Pero natatakot ako. What he'd say might break me even more. I wasn't strong enough for that. Baka hindi na ako makabangon pa. I was too crushed as it was.

I was absolutely not okay. I wouldn't be okay for a long time. But I refused to dwell in this hurt. Hindi ko 'to yayakapin. I'd take this as a strength to move forward instead.

I refused to give other people the satisfaction of walking over me for the third time. I wouldn't be that miserable, pathetic girl.

Oo, mahal ko siya. At ngayon, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. But that was just my habit speaking. 'Cause I didn't think I'd still want him back. Not when just the thought of him was still enough to make me feel raw and burnt inside. I'd learn to quit him.