decoding the boys ✔️

70 | make it up

Tahimik ang naging flight namin pauwi. Sinusuyo ako ni Racel buong magdamag pero hindi ako kumikibo. Galing sa airport, 'di na ko pumayag na ihatid niya ako. I called my driver and went home alone.

Sa mga sumunod na araw, lagi siyang nagpapakita sa bahay pero hindi ako lumalabas. Hindi pa ako handa. Sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, bumabalik sa 'kin yung mga narinig ko. Nasasaktan lang ulit ako. It was a miserable feeling. Hindi pa ako handa na marinig ang side niya at gusto ko rin na makapag-isip siya. He needed to realize what was wrong. Hindi yung dahil galit lang ako sa kanya.

Four days after our last vacation, he went to my house again to apologize. This time, mas nangibabaw sa 'kin ang feelings ko para sa kanya kaya kahit hindi pa ako handa, lumabas na ako para harapin siya. Dark clouds were rolling in fast. Ayokong abutan pa siya ng ulan doon dahil knowing him, baka hindi siya umalis. At isa pa, nandito ang mga kapatid ko. Sila pa nga ang tumawag sa 'kin para ipaalam na nandito nga siya.

"I told you I need time," sabi ko sa kanya.

"You said we'd talk but you refused to talk to me ever since we left Coron."

"I can't forget that easily, Racel. Just give me a few more days to clear my thoughts. Umuwi ka na muna, okay?" I could see the misery on his face and I softened. "I'm not going to break up with you so rest easy. I really just need to think."

"Can't you do it while you're with me?"

I shook my head. "Looking at you reminds me of what you said. Suddenly, you're not who you are anymore but what you said and I hate it. I wanna be able to look at you and see you for who you are. It's unfair to the both of us." I sighed, grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Go home muna, okay? I'll call once I'm okay. I promise."

Tumalikod ako para pumasok sa bahay pero pinigilan niya ako at sabay niyakap mula sa likod. His arms wrapped around my body, trapping me and I could feel the weight of his head on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, baby. Please give me another chance." His voice broke. "I fucked up, got drunk. I don't know what got into me."

I removed his hold on me and turned to meet his eyes. I sounded so tired as I said, "Kahit kalian, hindi dahilan ang kalasingan. You still know what you're doing; you're still aware. So ano 'yon? Nalasing ka? Nakalimot ka? Nakalimutan mo ako, kung sino ako, yung pamilya ko, yung dugo ko? Sa tuwing nalalasing ka, nawawala ako?"

"I fucked up. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm so sorry."

I tilted my head. "Are you, really? Are you sorry? We need some time off for me to clear my head and for you to think. You need to think, realize and remember just who the girl you're claiming to love really is. I can't be that girl who keeps everything to herself for you. I can't just grin and bear it. I can't turn on my family for you. De Villa ako. Kapatid na nila ako bago mo ako nakilala. I'm a sister first before I'm your girlfriend. Pinaglaban na kita. Ang hinihingi ko lang, respeto man lang sana para sa kanila. Respeto lang sa 'kin kasi nasaktan ako. Nabastos ako. Ang mas masakit pa doon, hindi yung galing sa kanila kundi yung narinig ko sa 'yo. Ni hindi mo sila pinigilan. Gano'n pa rin ba tingin mo sa kanila? So all along, you still hated them even when you said you'd try to be okay with them? Was that a lie just to get me? Do you understand where I'm getting at?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. Heto na. Hindi ko na naman mapigilan ang emosyon ko.

"Okay. Okay lang. 'Di kita pipilitin mapatawad si Kuya Jacob. Those are your feelings but how can I continue dating you if you hate my family? Kung may pupuntahan 'tong relasyon natin, you'll be their family in the future. O wala ba 'yon sa plano mo? Are we dating for nothing kahit sabi mo may plano ka for us? At isa pa. Hindi mo tinama si Marco sa sinabi niya. Lahi ko rin 'yon. Gano'n din ba tingin mo sa 'kin? Are you living in some fantasy, trying to forget I am one of them? Then wake up. I can't take you back unless you accept everything of me-my baggage, my history, my family-all strings attached to me- because God knows how much I embrace you and love you, your flaws, your edges and everything in between. Is it too much to ask the same from you? I love you, Racel, but I love them so damn much too. Please. Please. Don't be like this to them."