decoding the boys ✔️

73 - I'm So Sorry || unedited / unrevised

I ambled quietly and opened the gates. It's almost four a.m. Umuwi na si Angelo after niya akong ihatid dito sa bahay.

Grabe. Ang sakit pa rin. I was barely holding on and keeping my emotions at bay. Parang namanhid yata ang buong sistema ko. Wala na akong luhang maiiyak. I was still in shock. In denial. Hindi ako makapaniwala. Hindi ko matanggap.

Paikot-ikot lang ang mga tanong sa isip ko. How could he do that to me? When I loved him so much. Akala ko, mahal niya rin ako. Was I wrong? Was I alone in thinking this was special? Wala lang ba ang lahat?

Tama ba sina Kuya? He just used me?

Ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit sa tuwing naiisip ko ang nakita ko. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko. May kung anong init ang tumutusok at pumapaso dito. But I couldn't cry anymore. Naubos na ang lahat kanina.

"Javee!"

I raised my gaze. My brothers were in the living room, all waiting for me. Tumayo sina Kuya Andrei at Kuya Chris nang makita ako at kitang kita ko ang pag-aalala at takot sa mga mata nila. Si Kuya Travis, agad na dumalo sa 'kin. He was checking me for any signs of injuries.

But I wasn't looking at any of them.

My attention was only on one person. Hindi ko maalis ang paningin ko sa kapatid kong nag-angat ng tingin nang marinig ang pangalan ko.

Kuya Jacob stood up when our eyes made contact. I cast my gaze down. Nanginig ang labi ko. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko siya matignan. Not now. Not after what happened. Nilalamon ako ng kahihiyan.

"Javee. What the fuck happened to you? Kanina pa kami naghihintay," sabi ni Kuya Chris sa frustrated na boses. "Buti na lang sinabihan kami ni Angelo na pauwi na kayo. Dammit, we looked everywhere for you."

"Next time, tell us if you're going to be late. We tried calling but you wouldn't pick up. Nag-aalala kami nang sobra sa 'yo. Where have you been?" Kuya Travis added, much calmer than Kuya Chris pero nahimigan ko ang concern niya. God. I didn't even know they were home kaya nakalimutan kong magsabi.

"This isn't like you. We thought something bad happened. And why do you look like that? What happened?" tanong pa ni Kuya Andrei.

Hindi ako sumagot. Umusbong ulit ang mga luhang akala ko naubos na. Now that I was in their presence, all the shield I put around myself slowly crumbled.

There were footfalls. I heard someone approaching in a slow pace. Pag-angat ko ng tingin, nakita kong lumapit ang seryosong si Kuya Jacob. He stopped a distance far from me, but remained still close enough to study my face. Walang bahid ng kahit anong emosyon sa mukha niya. Just pure blank eyes. He didn't say anything, just waiting.

Hindi ko napigilan. Bumuhos ang luha ko. Nanginginig at dahan dahan akong lumapit sa kanya.

"Kuya. Wala na. Tama ka. It's over now. You were right," I said, my voice breaking, while my tears overflowed again.

My brother didn't say anything. His face remained unreadable. Without any words, Kuya Jacob walked closer and gathered me into the familiar warmth of his embrace. I met a solid wall of muscles. Inangat ko ang mga braso ko at niyakap siya.

I closed my eyes and cried my heart out.

Doon ko nilabas ang lahat ng hinanakit at sakit. Lahat ng akala kong hindi ko na kayang ilabas. Now I was safe. I was finally in the arms of my brother where I belong. I was safe now.

Too long. It's been too long. Parang ang tagal na nung huli ko siyang mayakap. His once familiar arms felt foreign to me now. But I missed it. I missed every inch of him so much. Hindi ako makapaniwala na muntik na siyang mawala sa 'kin dahil lang nagmahal ako.