Falling Dawn (II)

Chapter 23

Frozen to the spot, it took me a lot of strength to overcome my anger and disappointment in Tom, in myself. But remembering the pain of arguing and the fear of losing Tom, I knew I couldn't go on about it. I was not going to pick another fight with Tom over his Skype chats. After all, that's all they were.

While I was still lost in thought, Tom moved his eyes away from mine. Ignoring me, he attended to his Skype conversation, patiently letting the other party finish. Tom then smiled, still without so much as looking at me. Devastation came over me. I had messed up. I knew that. But to pretend I didn't exist was just childish.

I had practiced my apology over and over again in the car, but now my mind was blank. Looking for the words, I was stuck to the spot on the top of the stairs, looking over the empty desk into that face which I loved so much. I longed for Tom's smile when he saw me, for the sparkles in his eyes when they met mine and his words that alone could take my breath away.

"I want you to meet someone," Tom suddenly announced in German to whoever he was talking to, his words now crystal clear. With that bright smile he looked up at me, sparkles in his eyes, but also insecurity. His hand reached out for mine, urging me to come closer. Our eyes didn't leave each other's until Tom's strong hand took mine, gently leading me onto his lap.

Feeling his skin on mine, his breath on my neck, I forgot the moment. Leaning into Tom, I knew I was where I belonged. His arm was holding me tightly while both his hands were seeking mine, entwining with them on either side. My head rested against Tom's neck, our breathing slowly reconciling. Tom's heart beat heavy against my back, when my attention was finally brought back to the screen in front of me.

"Jan, this is Lisa. Lisa, this is my friend Jan," Tom introduced us, looking at the man on the screen in front of us while tightening the grip on my hands.

Jan, I assumed, was of a similar age to us. A kind smile brightened up his face, which seemed to be partially paralysed on his left side. His left eye twitched in irregular intervals, just like the corner of his mouth.

"Hi Lisa," Jan's for a man unusual high voice directed at me, his speech slow, the words slurred. But his face was genuine and full of affection. "You are just as beautiful as Tom keeps on telling me." When I had thought his smile couldn't get any wider, it did, even with the paralysis. I felt Tom's smile and happy exhalation against my cheek.

I answered with a shy smile, mumbling a pitiful "thank you", not knowing what else to say to him. Jan had given me such a lovely compliment. I would have loved to return it, but Tom had never told me about him. What could I say? Who is he? Still grinning like a moron into the screen, I was relieved when Tom took charge of the conversation again.

"Lisa is helping with the Indian Project. She,"

"I know, Tom," Jan amused himself. "You told me, at least a hundred times." It was obvious how familiar these two were. Then Jan directed at me, "Tom's crazy about you. He doesn't talk about anything else. He always," but this time Tom interrupted him. He seemed slightly embarrassed.

"Make sure you rest enough," Tom warned him. Beaten, Jan answered, "Aye, aye sir," and winked at me with his kind brown eyes.

"I'm going to call you back tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Jan answered. "Hang on, Birgit wants to talk to you. Bye Lisa."

"Bye, Jan." My heart began pounding faster when Jan passed his IPad on. At first, the picture was blurry as being moved around. While we were waiting for Birgit to stop walking and talk to Tom, he whispered in my ear, "I'm glad you're here." And then, Birgit appeared on the screen. She was in her early fifties, I assumed, with ash blond, partly hoary hair and green eyes. She looked kind, tired though.

After a friendly greeting and quickly acknowledging me, she went on. "The doctors need a decision by tomorrow. He's doing well, but I'm not sure he's ready to go home. You know how stubborn he can be."

Tom listened carefully to her, silently nodding, then, "I'll think about it overnight and call Dr Lindner in the morning." I now noticed that she seemed to be in a hospital hallway. Jan must be a patient there. I was dying to find out more about Jan. But I had promised myself not to push Tom anymore. He would tell me when he was ready.

"Talk to you tomorrow, Birgit," Tom bid her farewell, before closing the screen.

Overly aware of our presences, with no other sounds or disruptions around, I nervously fidgeted with my nails. It was an old habit, a terrible one. When I was younger I bit them, now I'd still pick them when I was anxious. Tom calmly took hold of my hands again, lifting them to get a closer look.

"I'm so glad you're here," he whispered again, louder this time, while kissing the tips of my fingers.

"I'm so sorry, Tom. I'm so sorry for everything I've said earlier today."

"Don't be, Engel. You were right. I've been trying to push the memories aside, but it doesn't work. It's only a temporary fix. They're in here, deep inside. The only thing that works is you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked away. It's just that you pushed me to a place I wasn't ready to go."

"I'm sorry."

"No. I need you to push me."

"I love you, Tom. I was really worried."

"I love you too, Lisa, more than anything. You're my world."

Like a magnet, my lips were drawn towards Tom's; seeking reassurance that everything was fine. Our mouths locked, I was lost in him. But then, Tom stopped, drawing back, his breathing heavy. His deep blue eyes drilled through me in only the dim light of the desk lamp in front of us.

"You haven't asked me," Tom almost blamed me.

"Asked you what?"

"About Jan."

"I'm not going to push you again, Tom. Ever. You can tell me, whenever you're ready. I know that I can trust you."

"I'm ready," he whispered. "But I need you to push me. I need you to be just the way you are. I have enough people around me trying to please me or simply not giving a shit, or most of the time both. But you care. When you challenge me, I know that you care. I need you to push me, please."

I couldn't believe it. All my life I tried hard to fight against my natural instinct of pushing the people closest to me, or so it seemed. And now I had Tom who wanted me to? Oh, I had five thousand questions to ask him. Probably even more. But that would most likely push it too far.

Slowly, I lifted myself up, turning around on Tom's lap so I was facing him. My nose pressed against his, our eyes too close to see, I held his face between my shaking hands.