How to Deal with Anxiety ☹ a.f.i. • a.u.

1: "Sleeping with someone has several meanings."

"Ashton...?" Kat's small, sweet voice wakes me from my sleep, her delicate cold hand resting against my chest.

"Hmm?" I yawn, sitting up a bit, my eyes heavy as I glance over at the alarm clock. It's three in the morning, the fluorescent green text affirms this fact.

"Sorry to wake you...I-I just couldn't sleep." She whispers, biting her lip hard as she looks up at me.

Her soft, dirty blonde hair is slightly matted, and since she didn't remove the makeup that was smeared across her cheeks from earlier this afternoon, she slightly resembles a raccoon.

She often sleeps over at my place, and occasionally, like tonight, I sleep within her sheets.

There is nothing sexual to it or about it; that was made clear. Although, I sometimes wondered-or perhaps hoped-if, one day, she'd sleep in my arms differently.

She usually sleeps over when she craves the physical and mental comfort that I was more than willing to give her. This either meant she had a good day or a terrible day. Today (yesterday?), fortunately, she had experienced a pretty damn good day, considering. It was a Friday, so that may have helped.

"How come, Kat?" I ask her, rubbing her back with my thumb gently to ease her stress.

"I dunno...I tend to over think at night when there's nothing else to focus on..." she shrugs as if her worries mean absolutely nothing.

"Well, what thoughts are you over thinking?" I ask her then, laying back down. Her hazel eyes meet mine and I smile at her, warm yet tired.

She rests her head into the crook of my neck and sighs a little and shrugs yet again, closing her eyes.

"Mostly ones about myself." She answers after a moment.

My fingers have found their way into her hair, gently undoing the little imperfections and tangles that sleep has created as I listen to her, my eyes never leaving her pale face.

"Anxiety makes me feel so small, Ash. Normal people don't worry and stress over the trivial things that I do..." I can see the hurt in her heart cause her face to fall, "Like, how do you put up with all of my shit?"

"Hey..." I shake my head and continue playing with her hair, which I knew she secretly enjoyed, and gently tease her, "More people probably think like you than you think, Kat. I've seen worse shit."

"I doubt it..." She sighs and snuggles closer to my body heat, "I doubt Luke thinks that way. I doubt he'd ever put up with me."

Luke. The one name that always caused my blood to boil, and flames of anger to burn in my stomach. While I had fallen in love with Kat, she had her heart set on him, though I couldn't see why. Perhaps jealousy makes men blind.

He was simply tall, blonde and cocky. I saw nothing else of interest. But, I've often been proven wrong, so hell, what do I know?

I don't know why her entire high school dream has been to go to prom slash become the girlfriend of the infamous Luke Hemmings. That particular position was regularly vacant and then immediately occupied like he couldn't make up his mind. Luke is no gentleman, I'm sure of that, and his sidekick Michael is also much to be desired.

This is where I became stuck between a rock in a hard place. Every time she mentioned him I wanted to punch a decently-sized hole into my wall. She liked him so much, however, that I couldn't speak badly of him, afraid of hurting her instead. So, I usually stayed quiet. This proved to be one of my many mistakes.

"You don't know that for certain." I finally shrug, still looking down into her eyes, mentally connecting the dots between the freckles and beauty spots on her crimson cheeks.

"How could he? He's so confident and perfect. He rivals Chris Evans, but his acting skills might not be that impressive," She sighs again with a small laugh and closes her eyes, biting her lip which was an immediate indicator for me.

When Kat becomes anxious, she has these small little ticks that let me know she needs some comfort. These usually come in the form of lip biting, stuttering, shaking, blushing, and crying, and any various combination of those depending on her level of anxiety.

Lip biting is a mild and primary sign, usually.

"No one is that perfect, Kat..." I tell her, repeating the words that I always say.

She shakes her head and lays down fully on my bare chest. I find myself blushing ever so slightly, and thank the good Lord above that it's three in the morning so she cannot see the expression on my face.

"Thanks for putting up with me and my shit, Ashton." She whispers, yawning, letting me know that she's very tired.

She always says that to me, like "putting up with" the most wonderful girl in my life is some sort of burden. I've never understood why she says this, but it's impossible to understand perfection.

"It's okay, Kat, I'll always be here for you..." I answer in the same soft tone of voice.

She cracks a smile, her chapped lips pulling back just enough to reveal that cute almost unnoticeable gap between her bottom teeth.

"Goodnight, Ashton Irwin, love you much."

She says this to me every night, whether we're sleeping in the same bed or falling asleep in our own after a long evening of texting, and every time it brings a sickly sweet sensation to my stomach.

"Goodnight, Kat Lovett, I love you more."

I watch her until her breathing evens out and sleep overtakes her. And I smile then and press my lips to her head. Just once.

Over these years I've realized that sleeping with someone has several meanings.

Most people define that phrase as having sex, or as a kind way of saying that they're fucking, but that's not what it means to me. To me, having Kat sleep with me is the strongest way for her to show that she trusts me. To let me protect her when she's the most vulnerable, after a good or terrible day, speaks volumes.

Sleeping with someone can be intimate in more ways than one. But usually, even if it's subconscious, you love the person you sleep with, in any sense of that phrase.

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Edited 12-10-21
Sorry if this is boring and short rn just roll with it.
Ill be reposting the edited chapters between Hellfire updates ❤️

- B