How to Deal with Anxiety ☹ a.f.i. • a.u.

2: "I've gotton used to my pillow being damp."

This Saturday morning is a slow rainy one with little sunshine daring to peak through the clouds. I guess I'll have to make up the difference for the lack of something bright.

Kat woke up in a much better mood than earlier this morning. She smiles when her eyes first open which is a beautiful sight to see.

"Good morning, Ashton." She speaks softly, wrapping her arms tightly around me in a hug.

"Morning, sweet girl." I smile as well, sitting up and taking her hand, "Think your parents are at work?"

She glances at the clock that now reads 9:41 on her bedside table. Beside the clock sits a necklace that I gave her last year for her birthday and her iPod with earbuds all a mess next to that.

"Yeah, they should be." She speaks even softer as she mentions them.

All Kat wants is to please her parents. Part of this stems from a large portion of her anxiety: a fear of any kind of failure. Kat insists that she wants straight A's, but I know that she actually feels like she needs them. Anything less than an A-minus on a test could bring her to tears. It's happened before.

In my mind, that should not be what happens. I know her parents don't mean to apply that type of pressure. Her parents mean the absolute best. Nevertheless, if something stresses Kat out, I tend to dislike it.

Also, being a younger sister comes with more built in parental pressure. Her sister, Summer, is a master of tennis and track. An amazing athlete, her sister is. She got a full athletic scholarship to a great college out of state and she knew exactly what she would do afterward: get involved in sports medicine.

Kat doesn't like sports as much as she used to. She played soccer and volleyball as a middle schooler, but she enjoys art, literature, and creative writing much much more. I've seen what happens when Kat has her nose in a book, whether a novel or a sketchbook. Her nose scrunches up in concentration and she'll be reading or drawing for hours. She told me one time that she wanted to be an author. She said her parents said it was a dream that couldn't be.

I hate it when parents and teachers say that. "The odds of that happening-" "That's not a real career-" "Dream big-" bullshit. That is such bullshit. Let your kids pursue what they love, regardless of the 'odds'. I've seen the effect it has otherwise. Never reject someone's dreams because yours didn't work out.

Kat sometimes experiences anxiety related to making her parents proud. I know they already are. But she can't see it.

"Okay, then. Would you like to go to coffee after you get ready? I'll order for you."

"You always order, Ash. I-I gotta start doing things for myself. How am I gonna go to college if I can't even order a coffee?" She weakly giggles, shrugging her shoulders.

"You don't have to start today, Kat. Come on, it'll be my treat." I shake my head, still smiling at her.

Kat doesn't like to buy or order things unless she's been to the place before and knows exactly what to say. Ordering makes her nervous. I don't understand it, but I'll do anything to ease her stress.

"Okay, Ash. If you promise that I'll be able to order next time." She smiles at me, and I know she appreciates my offer.

I looked in the bottom drawer for the few outfits I kept in her room. I choose a generic band t-shirt and black skinny jeans. I tend to stray away from this style very rarely.

A little while later, Kat comes out of the bathroom with her hair braided loosely. She never does all that excess stuff that some girls include in their morning routines. She barely covers her imperfections unless she's attending a fancier event. Her sunburnt and freckled shoulders peak through the short sleeved dress she was wearing.

She looks beautiful.

I always remind myself to tell her that as often as possible, because even if she doesn't believe that fact, she deserves to hear it at least.

So, I beam at her and say, "My best friend is so beautiful."

Kat blushes and looks at the floor, before back up at me.

"Thanks, Ashton." She answers softly, grabbing an umbrella from her closet, "Are you ready? Because we still have to study for that AP World History test, later."

"Of course," I chuckle, opening the door for her.

-

After a 'quiet' hour in the coffee shop, which included the barista spelling her name as "Cat" (for the seventh time), and me stuttering apology after apology after almost dumping my coffee on her, we went back to her place.

She got out her history textbook and began reading about the atrocities of the First World War. Mustard gas and trench warfare weren't what I was interested in, however.

Kat is concentrating again, and I love watching her eyes scan the pages. I am just plain fascinated with her.

After a few moments she looked up, and I now had to pretend I wasn't just staring at her like a weirdo.

"Ash?" She speaks up, biting her lip a little, causing me to pay attention right away.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Do you think...?" She sighs softly before going on, "Do you think Luke already has a date to Prom?"

A sharp pain deep inside my chest. Of course, I know that Kat wants him to ask her, I just hate seeing her hopes rise up for that douche bag. What does he have that I don't?

"I don't know, Kat," I answer honestly, shrugging, not knowing how else to answer her.

"I kind of want to ask him, but, would that be weird? I-I mean we barely talk, and usually, the guys ask the girls, but it's Senior Prom. This is kinda my last shot at a high school dance..."

"I think if you work up the courage to ask, no one could say no to you." I smile and stroke her cheek gently, "And if they do, I'll kick their ass and then I'll dance with you." I chuckle then, but there's some truth to my words.

"Thanks, Ash." She giggles, such a warm sound, "And if he says no, I guess it's nothing different than the other shit I deal with. I'll have the same reaction."

"I won't let you get hurt by anyone, Kat." I promise her once again.

"I know, Ash. But it's okay, I've gotten used to the feeling of my pillow being damp every night."

-
Edited 12-10-21

If you can't tell, Ashton kinda loves her XD

Bear with me as I revise this story!

If anyone is still reading, I greatly appreciate you xx