How to Deal with Anxiety ☹ a.f.i. • a.u.

3: "Love is like a sunset."

After we had studied for that AP test for two straight hours, I began to realize how bored I was and how choosing to take this test was a mistake. I shut my history book and set it to the side of me on top of her baby blue bed spread.

"Ashtonnn..." Kat whines, obviously stressing the importance of this headache of a study session, "You know how hard this test is gonna be."

"Kat, listen. We've studied for two hours straight, it's eight p.m. on a Saturday, I'm so bored, I would rather watch fuckin' paint dry, plus the test is in two weeks. We're gonna be fine." I chuckle lightheartedly, smiling down at her because her head is rested in my lap.

With an annoyed (and quite adorable) little huff, she shuts her book as well and sits up and meets my gaze.

"You said eight p.m. on a Saturday like that means something. What do you suggest we do to kill the rest of the night?" She raises her brows, smiling softly, "We could go to the cliffside again, maybe."

Despite being hopelessly shy, incredibly anxious, and constantly nervous, Kat loved to go on adventures with me. Now, these were no large scale adventures like traveling the world, but I had an eye for unique restaurants, parks, views, etcetera.

Every few weeks I would find something new. I always picked spots I knew Kat would love, and she always loved each new place.

The cliffside was her favorite place. A recurrence. A safe space.

"We could. Come on, we can get there before the sun sets, if we hurry." I wink and stand up, offering my hand for her to take.

She smiles sweetly and takes it firmly, standing and walking out of her room with me. We walk outside to my dusty blue pickup truck, and I open the passenger side door for her.

I still get nervous when I drive with her...

You wouldn't think so, but she loves my truck, whereas I would give anything for a new one. I guess it does hold lots of memories from sophomore year and beyond. Maybe that's why Kat has always been attached to it.

"Ash, hurry!" Kat insists as I back out of her driveway, "the sky is already turning yellow!"

I chuckle softly, shifting gears and heading down the road which would lead to the cliffside.

The cliffside is a little clearing at the top of a small hill that rests a short distance above a deep, sluggish river that falls into a crystal clear lake. Cedar trees lace the damp earth on and below the clearing. The story of how I found this place is an interesting one. Come to think of it, I don't remember if I let Kat in on the whole story. I'll tell her another time.

I park at the bottom of the hill once we arrive. Kat and I quickly take the short hike up, ducking between branches of pine trees. Her smile grew as we arrived at the edge.

The view is almost impossible to describe. Opposite of us is a nearly identical cliff littered with ever growing trees. Between us and the other side is a glasslike, slow moving river, and just below our feet, a shallow waterfall that creates the lake.

"We should try to find a place to swim down there some day." Kat giggles, sitting down on the edge of the rock, letting her feet hang down.

She has pulled her hair back once again into a loose ponytail and golden fly away hairs keep escaping and framing her face. The slowly burning sun tans her skin and adds a glow to her caramel colored eyes. The best feature: her warm smile that grows the farther out she looks.

How I wish I could kiss her in such a way as the sun can.

"Maybe we could cliff dive one day." I suggest, then smirk a little playfully, "Or maybe, skinny dip."

"In your dreams, Ashton." She rolls her eyes and pushed me by my shoulder gently, but of course she knew I was only kidding. At least partially. Mostly. Never mind.

"I love it when we come here..." Kat speaks softer when her voice returns, her eyes closing when a soft breeze brushes between us, "It's the one place I can forget about my worries."

She takes a deep breath before exhaling at the same time as her eyes reopen, still focused on the side of the cliff ahead of us.

The sky is now a deep orange, and the clouds are tinged purple and pink. It almost looks like candy or a palette of mixed paint. Kat Lovett and I have quite a few things in common but the both of us adore nothing more than sunsets after a long ass day like today.

Kat then does that one thing that secretly drives me crazy: she nuzzles her face into my neck, and her soft, breathy giggles give me goosebumps and finally, she rests her head on my shoulder as if she didn't just cause my heart to melt into a puddle. She does this all the time and it still makes me nervous.

"Ashton...?" Her voice is gentle as she looks out at the slowly darkening horizon.

"Yes, Kat?"

"I think I'm going to ask him..." her words illustrated confidence, her shaking fingers spoke the truth.

Of course she would bring Hemmings up at a time like this. I know she doesn't know that I'm hopelessly in love with her, so I push my (hopefully) not obvious irritation and jealously down so I can encourage her to face her fears.

"How are you thinking of asking him?" I humor her, smiling only slightly.

"Well...He really likes basketball so I was thinking a clever basketball themed poster and maybe get him some candy as well and give it to him after school in a few days?" Kat bites her lip, "Or is that all too cliché and stupid...?"

"No, no...I'm sure he would like that a lot." I nod, knowing that ignorant son of a bitch would just eat that shit up if she went through with it.

She smiles again, her gaze fixed on the sky above. She is transfixed on its beauty, but I am only interested in hers.

"You know what I think?" She speaks suddenly, pointing up to the sky with her finger.

"What do you think?"

"I think that if an artist dies, God lets them paint the sky, both at dusk and at dawn. If an architect passes, perhaps God lets them sculpt the clouds."

"What a beautiful way to think of it, my Kat." I whisper, now looking at the clouds for myself.

She sighs softly, and closes her eyes, nuzzling her face into my neck once again, and so my genuine smile returns.

I stayed with her there, talking about the sky, our futures, and all the meaningless bullshit of life, but we didn't care. Our friendship, random and imperfect as it is, represents the best parts of me. There is never a dull moment when I'm with her, and that's why I try to stay with her as much possible.

I think love is like a sunset. It brightens and darkens, becomes new colors and experiences. Even when the sun finally disappears and all goes dark for a while, it always rises again, stronger than the day before.

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Edited 12-10-21

This chapter is dedicated to my cousin that passed away. I always think of him when I look at the sky x