How to Deal with Anxiety ☹ a.f.i. • a.u.

5: "Live your life like a magnet."

"I don't understand why you don't just...tell her, Ash."

Calum is sitting on the countertop with his arms folded and a concerned look stuck upon his face. He and I have been talking about the last few days that I've spent with Kat. He's bothered by how upset I was yesterday after overhearing her parents' conversation and dealing with Kat's nightmare.

Calum and Kat have never been super close, really. We've hung out at the same time, and he's always kind to her, but she's so shy around the opposite sex. Despite this, Calum is still sweet and understanding, and has made it clear if she ever needs someone and I'm unreachable, he'll be there. Not sure if I really deserve a best friend like him.

Calum isn't judgmental; he's actually very open-minded. He's one of the few people I know whose patience hardly ever runs out. He works part time at a special education day care, filled with children that are unfairly deemed "less than normal" by society. Kiddos with down syndrome, cancer, autism, anxiety, you name it, and he's worked with them. And boy does he adore those kids. When he found out about Kat's diagnosis, he told me that he'd always be there to help in any way he possibly could.

I would trust Calum with my life.

"I told you, Calum, I just don't think that she'd take it very well...ouch, fuck." I sigh, struggling to get my fingers through knots of my hair that my anxious fingers previously created.

"And I still don't understand why you think that she'd be upset, Ash. You're her only foothold." Cal speaks softly, so as not to upset me.

"Calum...she likes Luke. And how the fuck am I supposed to compete with track star, basketball MVP, teacher's pet Luke Hemmings? I fuckin' hate him. I hate that he has a better chance with her than I do." Anger slowly creeps into my voice towards the end of my sentence.

"You think maybe telling her would change her mind?" Calum tries again.

"No. I think it'd break her heart, actually. She'd probably be confused because we've been friends for so long. She'd worry about letting me down if she doesn't feel the same. It would make her anxious and I will not put my Kat through that...I love her too much to do that..." I sigh, needing to say that last part out loud. The truth.

"Ash...I understand why you'd think she'd react that way, but I'm certain that's not the only possible outcome of telling her you really love her." Calum softly smiles, in that knowing way that he always grins.

"If there's a happier outcome, I can't seem to picture it."

"Okay, then let me set the scene for you." He chuckles, jumping off the counter and leaning against it now, talking with his hands, as usual, "She could be confused at first. Then, perhaps, she'd realize that after all the tears you've dried, all the nerves you've calmed, all the stories you've heard, everything you've done...that she loves you as more than her best friend. Maybe, just maybe, she'd accept it, and it'd be alright in the end.

I always tell the kids I teach, 'live your life like a magnet, there's always a positive and a negative end, but you can't connect without both sides.' Ash, you need to find your positive end, and soon."

"That's the thing, Calum, I don't want my positive end. If I had that, my connection to her would be her negative end, right? I don't want her to be hurt."

"There's no guarantee she'll be hurt by your feelings, Ashton, but I sure as shit know that you're unhappy now. I understand your worries, so that's all I'm gonna say." Cal speaks softly, in a tone filled with sympathy.