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Luke
Today I learned that I'm not as observant as I'd convinced myself I was.
I thought I could read everyone like an open book. Everyone seems so exposed to me, usually. I can tell if a girl has lost sleep, if a guy falling out of love, if someone struggling with their sense of self. Usually.
At least, I'd always thought I could tell. Kat's different, oddly enough.
I realize, with an unexplainable twinge of guilt, that I never took the time to really notice her. I mean that in the sense that I knew who she was, but I never felt the need to engage with her. Call me an indifferent asshole; it's nothing that hasn't already been said.
She sat beside me in history class and that's all I had thought I would ever need to know.
Until she asked me to the dance, that's when I started putting some puzzle pieces together in my mind.
I have since learned three things about her. The first aspect of her that I noticed was that she was an artist, in her own unique way, shown through her way of asking me to the dance. Seeing yourself sketched on a page is a very flattering feeling that I can't quite explain.
The second: she's not confident. Why, however, I can't claim to understand, yet. I could tell by her shrunken body language and her avoidance of eye contact that she cares dearly about what others think of her. If anyone was to look at her in the eyes, she'd shrink in shame. She was shaking as she handed me the drawing, as if she had convinced herself it wasn't a well done piece and she felt bad for presenting me with it.
And the third: Kat desires me in a way that I don't know I can return. I'd never been one for relationships, I never felt right in being with someone for long periods of time. It's not her fault that I can't see myself with anyone. I mean, after so many fucking heartbreaks, a guy can only trust for so long.
It had not been in my agenda to go to the dance, hence why I hadn't asked anyone. I didn't pity her by saying yes; the dance sounds enjoyable and I am more than willing to go, just...not as more than close friends. However, I have a feeling Kat didn't ask me as a friend, considering how we'd hardly talked beforehand. I was flattered that she'd asked, and that she likes me, and that to her I'm not the douche everyone thinks me to be.
I just am so conflicted and afraid about how to tell her that I don't like her in such a way. I'd hate to crush her like that. There's more to Kat than I'll ever know and I feel like breaking her heart would break her in other hidden forms.
I can't play with her feelings, however, that isn't fair to her. She's quite pretty, in many ways, and she's brilliant from what I've seen; leading her on would just cause her to think the opposite of herself.
