He's My Nerd (Harry Styles as Marcel fanfic)

Uhhmmm...

*laughs awkwardly*

Hello everyone

This is strange

It's been a while, huh?

Sooo... How are you all? Good? Yes?

I really don't know what to say. I guess I'll start at the beginning...

I know it has been nearly a year since I updated.
I know I told you not long before my last update that I was in a good place and I would write regularly.
I know that when I said it, I damn well meant it.
But I also know that I ended up lying to myself (about writing regularly).

Firstly I would like to say I am not 'in a dark place'. I am not depressed or hiding from my responsibilities, nor am I feeling trapped in any way.

The reason I say this is because many people stop writing stories or doing things they enjoy for these reasons.

I am not one of those people.

Let's move on to about April last year (I think). I had just posted one of my last updates. I did this during my Easter holidays (spring break in the U.S.?? I think?). The reason timing is so important is because I was studying more than I ever had in my life for my first serious exams in May (just after this I posted what became the last chapter). And it payed off. I worked my bum off and got 5 As and a B.

I learned from this. I learned about working hard to get what I want. I really grew as a person. I realised what I was capable of and what I could achieve.

Most importantly I discovered what it was that I really wanted to achieve.

I had wanted to be a writer since I was about ten years old. I never thought I would change my mind or learn to love anything else. But during last year, I realised that writing books were no longer anywhere near my top priorities. I no longer had any passion or any drive.

As many of you know, this has happened multiple times before with this book. Start - stop - start - stop. I'm very sorry.

But I never had a epiphany like this. I realised what I really wanted to do, and suddenly writing felt like a chore, it was horrible.

This is also the first time I've struggled with this and not gotten over it. I didn't want to write, I still don't, and I can't be sure that I will.

Going back to achievements; writing this book was no longer something I wanted to work for and achieve. I sort of forgot about it.

Also, as the following summer passed, I stopped reading fanfiction. I kind of outgrew it. I suddenly got bored with my own writing and cringed at my storylines.

Don't get me wrong, I love this book. It used to mean the world to me. It's a part of me. Every word is genuinely my own. Its my thoughts, my creativity, my imagination on a page. And that's what it will always be. Im proud of it, but I've changed a lot since I began writing and I almost feel like I'm trying to finish somebody else's story.

All in all, I'm sorry for just stopping. I guess I took a study break that never ended. I've put you all through a strange and confusing hell with my back-and-forth attitude, and I'm sorry for that too.

I love each and every one of you, my dear friends. After all, we're really not that different are we? We all like one direction and stories and fanfiction. We're all searching for our own happy endings.

I think I've found mine, at least for this chapter of my life.

I don't think this is the end.

I hope not at least.

I can't read a book and not finish it, even if it's horrible. I like a challenge. I hope that same outlook applies to my writing.

I do feel an urge to end this book properly, but I can't make any promises.

If everything goes as I want it to go, I should like to end this book by July.

That is, of course, if you'll still have me?

I've been a shitty updater after all, and no readers should be lead on like that.

Sorry again.

I will try my hardest to not let you down again.

I will finish this goddamn book if it kills me.

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(Maybe expect a chapter in a couple of weeks)

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(Don't hold me to it lol)