33 Reasons Why

Reason 3

Reason 3: Only know your lover when you let her go.

Dear Esther,

My head was overwhelming with guilt. I know it was so stupid to agree on the dare. But they knew that you and I were close a little while ago and they made me to do the dare. Since it's a dare, I can't say no.

When I gave you the note, I felt incredibly guilty because I knew was going to upset you because I'm not going to turn up. In each class we were in together, I looked to your way and saw your face lit up with excitement.

I knew that you were excited because you keep tapping your feet unto the ground and constantly checking the time. I feel really bad so I stopped looking at you and tried hard concentrating to the lecture our teacher was giving.

When school was out, I saw you leaped out from your seat and rushed to the gate. I shook my head and texted Melanie to come over my house. I know it's a dick move. I need a distraction to forget that I was going to stand you up.

Melanie came and we hang out for a while. She told me how stupid you were to believe that I was going to meet you tonight. Unable to do anything, I just laughed along and agreed to her.

She went home and I looked at the time, it was 11pm and it was raining. You being you, I know you're probably still at the park waiting for me to show up. So ignoring my pride and ego, I got up and dressed. It was barely 11:30pm when I got out from my car and saw you finally walking back to your house.

Esther, I want you to know that at that instant, I almost cry. I felt really bad that when I came home, your frail body that was soaked in wet was still lingering in my mind. I thought how stupid I was and literally punched my own face.

I screamed to my reflection in the mirror for being so stupid and agreeing to their dare because I wanted you back and I'll never have you back. My eyes were bloodshot from the crying and my fists were bleeding because I punched the walls too hard.

At that moment, I knew, I lost you forever.

The next day at school, I was planning to explain everything to you, so I grabbed your wrist but you just looked at me and let go of my hand and walked straight. I want to do anything to erase this guilt forming in my chest so I made my final decision by ignoring you.

I know it's stupid, but God. What should I do? I lost someone I love so much and there's no chance of getting her back.

Today is another hard day without you, it's been a week since you've went missing and I'm losing my mind. I drank upon the alcohol and opened the box where I vowed to never open it anymore.

I saw the overflowing pictures of you and me. I grabbed one where we were both laying on the couch and you were in my arms.

I touched my arm, just to feel your presence but you weren't there and it's killing me. I hugged the picture closer into my chest and hope you'll be here by tomorrow but I know you won't.

I really need you to come back. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for taking you for granted.

I'm sorry for not realizing what I have in front of me.

Signed,

Kade