33 Reasons Why

Reason 22

Reason 22: I'm not an expert at pretending it's okay.

"Hey dude," a voice woke me up from my day dreaming.

I looked over and saw Jason waving his hands towards me.

"Did you hear anything I said?" he asked me.

I smiled sheepishly towards him and shook a no.

He rolled his eyes and said, "Thought so."

"Are you still not over her?"

My breathe hitched on my throat and suddenly, I forgot how it was to breath.

I don't know if I should answer the real answer or the fake ones but I'm going to the real one.

"No."

"You should."

"I know."

"How is she doing?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"You stopped contacting her?"

"We never contacted ever since she left," I sighed.

"Look dude," Jason started, clearing his throat. "You should learn how to let go."

"I know, I've heard that from a couple of people that clearly have zero idea how hard it is," I said, annoyed that everyone was asking me to do something.

He ignored me and continued, "I know she's- was- still is- special to you," he paused. "But all that matter is that she's happy and you should move on."

"It was hard on her and I think, the reason why she left was because she wanted to let go of the past, let go of the hurt and let go of you," Jason said.

That part of letting go of me hurt a bit.

"She has the real answer and I'm not accepting any answers from any other people except for her." I said.

"So, you're going to cling onto her and wait until she comes back and tell you her reasons and it's over?" he asked.

"I don't know, Jason. I feel terrible of what I did," I looked at him.

He huffed, "Any sane person would feel terrible for doing what you did."

"You're not making me feel better," I said to him.

He looked at me, "I know," he said, "That's the point. You're clearly not admitting your mistake that is not making anything better," he continued.

"You think I'm not admitting my mistakes?" I asked. His statement touched a nerve.

"You think it was easy for me for the past 1 year and a half to sit here and forgive myself for what I've done to her? You think it doesn't haunt me?" I said, my voice starting to rise.

"I know, but-."

"What do you people know anyways? You don't know how hard it is for me to look at her picture and saw the damage I've caused towards her. Or how I wish she is here so I could tell her I'm sorry even if I annoyed the hell out of her."

"Kade, you're-."

"I've been living in the guilt for a while – even how hard I tried forgetting and forgiving what I've done, it's going to stay there," I said, as tears were threatening to slip out from my eyes.

I looked at him and said, "It's a constant reminder that I've lost her and I'll never get her back."

I closed my eyes and breathe deeply, "So, please, don't talk about her like the 1 year just pass like a wind and it didn't mean anything at all," I paused. "Because it did and it still hurts."

A/N: So starting from this chapter, it's going to be like this. It may be only a scene or more than one scene and of course, from Kade's point of view. 

And also, I wonder, do you guys want a third book? I don't know, a book to describe Esther's life when she was in Amsterdam or what happens with the two of them? 

How do you find this book so far? Am I lacking at a department or?

But anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter and don't forget to..

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