33 Reasons Why

Reason 9

Reason 9: Regret regret regret regrtet regret regerterjiwd regret

Dear Esther,

I'm scared. I'm scared of the only thing that the only person I've find hope in would leave me. I'm scared that my worst nightmare would come true and I would lose the person I love the most – I would lose you. I don't know what to do if that happened.

Whilst you were in the coma, I was there. Among all our families, I hid behind them and stared at you. I noticed your eyebrows furrow and your lips are curved. I don't know how to approach you, too ashamed to approach you. I did like Micayla, she was amazing. But mostly, why I wanted to date her was because she reminds me so much about you. She reminds me of you of how she would randomly fangirls about Channing Tatum and then my thought drift back to you on how you hated people fangirling over him.

She reminds me of you of how she would comfort me and whisper "everything would be alright," and I only hear your voice. She reminds me of how you'd play with my hair or sniff in my cologne when I hugged you or how her smile could light up the entire room – but she wasn't you. She wasn't you that I wanted and she wasn't you that I crave for.

I know, I'm playing with her but she was the only person that could prevent me from going crazy over you. When you were in coma, I sat patiently and hopefully in front of you. You looked so broken yet so beautiful. I couldn't fathom how beautiful you looked like even if there were tiny bits of cuts and scars on your face.

When someone informed me that you were in a car crash, I could swear, my heart stopped. Where it just stopped and I couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend the fact that something was going to happen to you and then I realized I've been standing there for a long time. I rushed quickly to the scene and saw you being carried by Dylan.

I wanted to run over and I wanted to shout. God, I wanted to kiss and whisper in your ears to hold on. But I couldn't. Of course, I couldn't. Instead, I watched you being brought into the ambulance as I break inside. I went back to my house that night and my thoughts were getting the best out of me.

What if she dies? What if she didn't make it? What if she got amnesia and forgets everything that we've went through? What if she... stayed in a coma for really long time?

What if I didn't have the chance to tell her how much I love her?

A lot of what ifs and questions were asked but then I was tired so I fell asleep with the thought of you. I was there in the room, where everyone would sleep and I'd sneak into your room. I'd kiss you on the forehead and read you your favourite book. I'd sing to you and tell you a thousand things I couldn't tell you. And there are times where I would cry and hold on to your hand because I don't want to let you go anymore.

.....But I still did. I let you go again.

When you woke up, I was really happy to the point that I almost cried and when you come back to the school, rumours were spreading. I can't stop them and I wouldn't dare to and until now, I still hate myself for not stopping everything before it's too late.

You see, when you disappeared, I felt like I was out of breath and I need to breath. So I went outside and took a goddamn smoke. I know, fuck it, I know. I know you wouldn't want me to do this but I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't

You need to come back. Please. Esther, I'm begging you!

I-I love you.

So much.

And I always will.

Signed,

Kade

A/N: If you need tissues, here it is. Unlimited supplies. 

P.S I purposely do the spelling mistake in the reason to explain how he was going mad and couldn't think straight.

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