33 Reasons Why

Reason 10

Reason 10: I can't take back the words I never said.

Listen to Words by Skylar Grey

Dear Esther,

I know that you can't hear me anymore,

It's so loud inside my head,

With words that I should've said,

And as I drown in my regrets,

I can't take back,

The words I never said

I looked at my bleeding fist due to the walls that I've punched from the past few hours, which will probably be in black and blue condition. It's another day without you and each day that passes by, I'd tick the date off the calendar. Days without you seems like 2 weeks. It's been dull and meaningless when you're not in it. I suppose, it's been 2 years since you're not in it but right now, it's different. It's different because you're not here and it's different because I can't see you anywhere.

It's probably a little too late, right? It's too late to regret everything. It's too late that now you're not here and I didn't appreciate the time when you were here. I never thought this day would come – little did I know, that was the last time I'd see you. If I knew, I'd stare at you for a long time and maybe take a few photos of you or convince you to stay. If only.

I haven't been all that you could've hoped for,

But if you'd held on a little longer,

You would have more reasons to be proud

As I sat here and thought back to the previous 2 years that I've ignored you and left you without any explanation, it was stupid. I should've never been a chicken and I should've never been afraid. But I was scared. I was scared of what would change and what would happen if I told you. I was afraid that you'd reject me and that nothing would be the same when I confess the truth. I don't want to lose you – hell, by that time; I thought it was for protecting you.

But all it did was just suffering you, suffering me – suffering us. I know that nothing is left but bad memories that you brought when you left but if you gave me a little more time, I'd let you leave happily. But that time wouldn't come as soon as you thought if you didn't do it. It might take a few more years before I'm actually brave enough to reach out to you again.

The longer I stand here,

The louder the silence,

I know that you're gone,

But sometimes I swear that I hear,

Your voice when the wind blows,

So I talked to the shadows,

Hoping you might be listening

Cause I want you to know

I was standing at the lake. You know the lake that we both really enjoyed spending time with each other at? I was hoping you'd come and hug me from behind and tell me that you're here but I stood here for the past hour and you never came. You never came and hug me and reassured me that you're here with me.

I can't register the fact that you're gone, for good or for the worst, I don't know. I don't know if you're dead or alive but I have faith in you. I know that one day; you'll come back unexpectedly and tell us that you were just away for a long holiday. Sometimes, when I'm too lonely and you were the only person that truly understands me – I'd talk out to air. Kinda like, you're there, sitting with me but in a spiritual way, you get me? I'd talk about how my day went and how it sucks that you're not here and about everything, just like how we used to.

Or sometimes when I'm locked up in my room and I closed everything, I just wanted silence because I was scared if I were to talk, you wouldn't able to listen. You always listen to me so I hope you listen to the cries or how I begged for you to come back.

I'm still waiting.

Signed,

Kade