33 Reasons Why

Reason 5

Reason 5: Is it too late to apologize?

Dear Esther,

My birthday. Huh. Do you still remember the tradition we made when it's my birthday? Where we would spend our day together, phones completely off and was only allowed when taking pictures?

When I'm with my new circles of friends, when we're eating or spending the time with each other, almost everyone is on their phones. Sometimes, when I look around, I hope you'd appear out of nowhere and drag me out from this boring hole.

Well, at least you wished a 'happy birthday' from the letter or else I'll be completely pissed that you didn't wish for my birthday. When I was asked to send the fudge to your house, I was really nervous and hoped you wouldn't take the door but luck wasn't on my side. You opened the door and you looked incredibly gorgeous. My words got stucked on my tounge because you were only wearing a tee-shirt with short pants yet you still manage to look so damn beautiful. How do you do that?

When you shut the door onto my face, I felt really hopeless for trying to at least, making things work between us. I want us to mend things but I never really went for it. And 'till now, I regret because I didn't do it when I have the chance. Suddenly remembering about the diary, I went to my bookshelf and searched for it.

I found it and it looked so ancient and dusty. I saw Kade and Esther 2013 written on the book cover and I smiled to it. We exchanged each other our bits and I still remember mine very well. I've never read your bit until you mentioned it. I got into reading and I was trying hard to not cry because either one of us need to stay strong.

I kept on reading and reading the diary over and over again because I can hear your voice reading them. I think I need to see a therapist. Or not. I just need you. I'm going nuts and everything in my life is falling apart.

My studies, I don't get As anymore, my highest are D because when I have a test, my mind wouldn't co-operate with me and go back thinking about you. You don't know how much guilt am I consuming right now.
But maybe, I deserve all of this. I deserve this because I've hurt you and made you feel this way and it's my turn now. I have your picture under my pillow, I look and stare at them before I go to bed. It makes me sleep better at night than all those sleeping pills.

Your mom said that there's highly chances that you're gone permanently by committing suicide, at least that's what the police said. When I heard that, I didn't want to believe what they say. I know you're still here.

Your therapist said another whole different thing, though. She said you're gone because you want to leave this sicken place that made you feel bad about yourself and that you'll be back sometime soon.

I don't know which to believe but I'm going for the latter. That way, I have a reason to hold on.

I'm not going to give up because I want to be the first person who runs up to you and hug you until you're out of breathe.

I miss you. More, each day.

Signed,

Kade