Becoming Badass

Breathe

"WHAT YOU KISSED HIM?!! LIKE YOU-- HOLY CRAP ALEX!" Molly screams at me and I cower back in my seat around the kitchen counter trying to hide my face. All my friends and I are at Molly's house after that whole thing with Ashely. All of them forcing me to say what happened at lunch.

"Was his tongue in your mouth?" Layla shivers in disgust. Blake and her don't have the best history since they almost slept together but it was all part of a bet.

"Fuck no, I didn't change my standards and boundaries." I reach over grabbing a potato chip bringing it up to my mouth. Peyton takes the chip from my hand putting it in his own mouth.

"You didn't tell us sooner, you don't deserve chips."  Peyton says while shoving more into his mouth and I glare at him.

"Alex, didn't you say you've never kissed anyone before?" Mac looks at me talking quietly and I freeze.

"Uh-"

"YOU LET YOUR FIRST KISS BE TAKEN BY THAT- THAT- THAT FUCKING MAN WHORE??!?!?" Layla jumps up screaming in my face and I wince.

"Alex-" Mac begins

"You guys were gone over the summer. You barely even answered the texts and phone calls. Which, I was fine with because you were busy you had your own lives. But that left me all alone with nothing to do for the entire summer, except think. And I made the decision of wanting to change my life. I wanted to actually be seen, for people to notice me, so I changed! Do you guys know what it's like to be the girl at the back where no one knows your name? Fuck by the end of last year even my history teacher asked me if I was new, while I was there everyday earlier than everyone else the entire year. Do you know what it's like too have an older sibling who fucking owned the school but you-- you're like a stupid broken chair at the back of the room where everyone knows you're there but they ignore you, they don't even glance at you because that's a waste of time?" I take a deep breath standing up, my throat being to burn because of how much I want to cry.

"We didn't know." Peyton says looking at me sadly.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Molly says gripping Derek's hand.

"Because I'm not important. What I feel doesn't matter. As long as I'm there listening to everyone around me when they're crying or happy; no one cares on how I feel. If I'm laying in bed crying it doesn't matter because someone else needs the comfort. I just stay in the back hidden with a happy face." I sniffle quietly looking at my shoes.

"Alex-" Mac begins.

"It's doesn't matter anymore though." I cut him off grabbing my bag and helmet off the table walking out of the kitchen to the front door.

"Alex!" They all yell after me as I step outside running to my motorcycle getting on placing my helmet on and starting it. I drive out of Molly's driveway and glance back to see them all on the lawn watching my and I sniffle more driving down the road. I need to get away.

I drive down the streets faster than ever before weaving through cars, ignoring them as they honk at me. I drive to the park onto the trail, then take a detour following a familiar route. I drive over the grass and branches until I'm deep in the woods reaching a giant open field. I found it during the summer, when I just wanted to run away from all the bullshit. I turn my motorcycle off and get off throwing my helmet down stepping away as tears being falling down my face. I hiccup quietly placing my hands under my eyes wiping them slightly. I look at the field around me dropping my hands, the tears are now a steady stream coming down. I begin breathing heavy, clenching my fists until my knuckles turn white. I take a deep breath and open my mouth screaming as loud as I can. I drop to my knees screaming and hug myself taking short deep breathes.