Becoming Badass

I'm Here.

"Alex," I hear someone calling my name over and over again. I shift in my seat still and bury my face deeper into my arms. I begin feeling a poking on my shoulder, tugging on my hair and I sigh deeply.

"Leave me the fuck alone." I mutter trying to shift closer to the wall and away from whoever is poking me.

"Wake the fuck up, class is almost over."

"So?" I mutter again draping my hair over my face.

"You're drooling." And with that I jolt up quickly feeling my face. I look down at my desk running my hands over it with sweater paws.

"I knew that would wake you up." I look at Blake grinning at me as I touch the side of my mouth making sure there isn't any. I roll my eyes and cross my arms leaning back in my desk staring down at a small notch in it as I begin drifting off.

I've been dating him for a few months now and we're getting closer to graduation. He's been my anchor in getting my life together and pushing myself but I've also realized a lot within myself. It's easy to think yourself in to a hole. To give up into all the darkness around me and give in. And after doing it for so long it becomes comfortable-- not only for me but for everyone. The world is terrifying and I let that just life fuck me up. And while it was hard- while it hurt so fucking mush I forced myself. With the help of everyone but that doesn't make it hurt any less of changing your life and forcing yourself into the fear of what may happen. And what's difficult is that no one can do it for me. I have to decide I want to get up. And I have to put in the effort.

I've patched up my relationships. I forced myself to sit down and completely open myself with everyone of my friends and be completely honest. Some conversations lasted the entire night like with Molly, yeah remember her? Others were no more than an hour like with Peyton, since he already knew what was going on. Mac and I get along well almost like we use to but there's a subtle difference. No one but us really can feel it and while it break my heart I understand it. It was a long and taxing process but I'm happy I went through it because they're the type of people you want to keep in your life no matter the cost. It just still sucks it took me longer than expected to understand that. And I don't know what will happen when we all go our separate ways but for now I'm treasuring the the small moments. As for my parents and Dylan all that is still a little rocky every now and then but at least they're making efforts. 

And Blake, with Blake I don't know where to start. He's grown to be a part of me. I said before he's helped me a lot in this process and he's shown me a different light, I guess is a way to put it. He's become a giant part of my happiness. And I just can't imagine my life without him, which scares me.

"I got it." Blake says to me as the bell rings and he stands up grabbing my bag as I stand up with him. We walk out of class and he wraps an arm around my shoulders while holding our bags in the other. I begin thinking again. He has a future, he has opportunity-- while I, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to be or even sure if I'll get into college. There's so much that can pull him away from me and even though I've made tremendous amount of progress, there's always that bit of fear in me that thinks I might go back to square one if he's gone.

"I'll see you." I say smiling at Blake, pushing my thoughts aside as he kisses my head and begins walking into his class after handing me my bag. I throw it over my shoulder, walking slowly to my class. But then there's that other side of me that just thinks everything will be okay. And for once, I believe that side more than my fear. I hear the bell ring and I shrug my shoulders deciding to walk even slower.

I stop when I hear a quiet sniffling. I turn my head looking around and shrug my shoulders walking again until I hear a small hiccup. I walk forward again and turn my head over the corner to see someone hunched down in a corner with their head buried between their knees, hoodie pulled over them. I walk slowly to them and crouch down, setting my bag on the floor.

"Hey," I say softly, making them jump up slightly and look up at me. It's a guy. I see tears streaming down his red, and blotched face. "What's going on?" I ask and he shakes his head burying his head in his knees again. I sigh softly and sit next to him, which makes him clench up.

"My name's Alex. I'm a senior. Sorry if I'm overstepping any boundaries, I just don't want you to be left alone." I glance at him quickly, but he still hasn't looked at me. "You know whenever I felt shitty, I always wished someone would at least be near me. I didn't want to talk, and I didn't want them to talk, I just wanted someone." I see his head move up slightly from my peripheral vision. "So I'll stay if you'd like me to, I'll even shut up, just tell me your name." I look over at him and smile, crossing my legs as I lean forward. He contemplates for a minute then wipes his nose and hugs his stomach.

"Leo." He mumbles quietly and looks down at his shoes.

"Leo, it's nice to meet you." I say and then we just begin sitting in silence. After a while I begin hearing sniffling again and I look over at him taking a deep breathe before leaning over and giving him the one thing in the world I hate, a hug. It catches him off guard but soon he clenches me tightly and begins sobbing. I rub his back gently and say the only thing I believe someone would need to hear at this point, "I'm here."

And that's when it hits me, what I want. I want to help others. This feeling of lost and desperation I want to help others feel as if they do have a chance. That they are important. I mean, who's better equipped to help than someone who's been through it?

- The End