Becoming Badass

Sometimes begin scared is okay.

I stare up at my ceiling while lying on my bed, still in the clothes I went to school in. My life is all kinds of screwed up at this point and I don't know what to do or even how to fix it. I breathe deeply closing my eyes and holding it in. Maybe I can hold my breath until it's all fixed. I let out a loud and long exhale rolling my eyes.

"Alex!" I hear my mom call me and I groan as I slowly sit up. I stand up and drag myself out of the room and down the hall until I reach the living room. I look up to see both of my parents sitting down and I shuffle in awkwardly until I can sit on the other side of the couch.

"Yes?" I ask cautiously, "What did I do this time?"

"Nothing, your mother and I need to talk to you of what's been going on lately and clear the air up. But before we start talking we want you to say any feelings you have right now. Straight out no matter what they are because our family is going in a direction that isn't healthy." My father says, I look at both of them for a minute.

"When Dylan's here you treat me like I'm last weeks leftovers but when he's not it's like nothing ever happened and I'm actually your kid again. But that's mostly with mom. The only reason it's been bothering more lately is because my anxiety has been acting up again, any other time I would be fine because I'm use to Dylan being the favorite." I say staring at my mom then at my dad for guidance.

"At this point you two ladies need to talk it out and I'll just be mediator." My dad rubs my moms back before leaning back on the couch, ready to listen.

"I don't mean to treat you that way or make you feel that way, Alexandra. I'm sorry." My mom sighs out, I look down at the floor for a second then back at her.

"That's all I really needed. For you to understand how I feel. And yeah, I wouldn't mind it changing but it's all a process. I love you, Mom. And you too Dad." I give them a small smile and lean over to hug my mom.

"I love you too, Alex. Despite what you think I love you two equally, and I promise I'll show you that from now on." My mom sways me side to side and lets me go smiling wide.

"Okay, good, no more problems." My dad stands up stretching his back.

"Well... Not exactly." I mumble to myself but he manages to hear and sighs sitting back down.

"What happened? Are you suspended again?" He begins rubbing his forehead.

"No, no, nothing like that. It's just boy problems, but I'll figure it out, I'm going back to my room." I say standing up quickly and my mom catches my hand.

"Alex." She says with a warning tone and I scrunch my face up sitting back down. "What's going on?"

"Um..." I bite my inner lip contemplating if I should tell them or not, I shrug my shoulders and begin talking because my situation can't get any worse, right? "Well Mac told me that he likes me."

"I knew it! You guys have been friends forever and finally he makes a move! What's the problem go out with him! Go!!" My my exclaims with a grin on her face.

"No, I don't know. I never thought of him as more than my best friend but this whole thing blew up and he just tells me and it all makes sense but I don't if I can see him in a different aspect. He's an amazing guy and friend but what if I do like him and in the future our relationship is ruined because that does happen, it does. I don't want to lose him because I screwed up or because I overthink. And another thing is that I like Blake... I like Blake, I mean I knew I did but saying it out loud makes it real. They've both been here for me and I  don't know which I like more because I'm so confused and I never thought that this would happen. I always fantasized because of books but I never expected it to happen." I take a deep breathe after my long rant and hold it in looking at both my parents.

"Blake is-?" My dad asks.

"The guy that kinda blew up at mom and took me away when Dylan left for college." I exhale loudly.

"Oh that kid. Well it seems you've gotten yourself into quite a situation. I think you should of course figure out which one you like more, try talking it out with them? I'm not sure, Alex, I've never been in a something like this. How about you talk to your dad and I'll make dinner?" My mom says standing up and I scrunch my eyebrows together, she walks towards the kitchen turning back for a second. "I'm leaning more towards Mac... Just throwing that out there." I stare at the empty space for a second before my dad startles as he begins talking.

"Feelings are complicated. Unlike your mother I have been in this situation, a girl in college had me and another chasing after her. She didn't pick me and that's what led me to your mother but that's not the point. When she told me her decision it was the way she spoke of the other guy. The way her eyes lit up and you could hear the passion in her voice, it hurt me at the time but what I'm trying to tell you is. Between these to boys which one makes your heart feel full-- warm as others describe it? Not the one that lights a fire in you, because fires burn out, the one that makes you feel secure and gives you hope." My dad scoots next to me and wraps his arms around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him. "I know you have more difficulty because you doubt every decision you make but which is the one that makes you sure. If that makes sense. The guy that despite the worries, the thoughts in your head, or even the struggles of yours and his personality makes it seem worthwhile." He kisses my head when his phone begins ringing and lets go of me standing up. 

"But how do I know that? How do I know anything?" I ask.

"When it comes down to it, it'll hit you like a ton of bricks and it'll be terrifying but you will definitely know. Life is full of uncertainties but somethings are just automatic, Princess." He glances over to the kitchen and pulls out his phone, answering it. He walks down the hall leaving me alone in the living room and I sigh resting my head back on the couch so I'm staring up at the ceiling. I hear a loud clap of thunder as lighting flashes through the window over the living room causing me to flinch up and my heart to race. I stand up as another flash of lighting comes and I stare out the windows as the rain falls. I glance down at my hands to see them shaking slightly, feeling them begin to sweat. My feet begin walking towards the door before my brain begins processing what I'm doing.

"I'm taking the car, I promise I'll be back soon!" I call out to my parents as I take my mom's car keys.

"Where are you going?" I hear my mom ask and I turn around with my hand on the door knob. I find my mom cleaning her hands with a napkin and my dad emerging from the hallway hanging up the phone, looking at me worried.

"I- I'm not sure." I say hesitantly staring at my dad.

"Be safe." He gives me a small smile as he wraps his arm around my mom's waist and I turn back to the door opening it. Another loud clap of thunder and lighting comes and I stare outside. I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified but my feet start moving again.

Sometimes begin scared is okay. But I'm scared all the time and that's okay too. Because sometimes fear is what keeps us alive, it forces us to make a decision of giving in or fighting through and not being sure of anything. But right now I'm sure of one thing.