Becoming Badass

Do you fucking believe me now?

I mentally curse with every turn I take, still not knowing where the fuck I'm going until the last second. I get out of the car, locking it quickly, running as fast as I can to his door. I knock on the door frantically, flinching every time thunder and lighting come down, but after every pause I knock harder. My body's shaking from the cold and fear but I use it to fuel myself even more. I stop for a second because my hand begins hurting, I shake it out for a few seconds then go back at it again. I begin getting frustrated as it rains harder.

"Open. The. Fucking. Door. You. God. Damn. Idiot-" I bang harder with each word until the door opens up revealing Blake.

"Who the fuck- Alex?" He looks at me with confusion. 

"Why the fuck don't you open your goddamn door?" I say angrily as I push past him and step inside.

"Well I was kinda busy-"

"It doesn't matter. Because I don't know where this courage is coming from because think I'm confusing my panic for ambition but I don't fucking know. And I don't know how fucking long it'll last so I have to get everything out while I still can. Basically it's been a combination of emotional, confusing days. Especially on my feelings between you and Mac, but it doesn't even make sense because it's not technically a love triangle but it kinda feels like it. But I'm ranting and all I really want to say is that I like you-- like actual like, like." I breathe in deeply, looking up at him, waiting for a response. It seems like years passed by until he finally opens his mouth.

"Blake, what's going on? Why haven't you come back upstairs?" I hear a female voice coming from up the stairs and I look up to see Ashley. Shit never thought I'd see her again. It's like the first fucking day of school again. But now I'm an even bigger idiot.

"I didn't know you had someone over." I say slowly walking back to the door.

"It's not what it looks like. Ashley-" He begins saying but he's interrupted by her.

"What do you mean it's not what it looks like?" She smirks slightly as she walks down the stairs over to Blake. "After all we have been sleeping with each other since summer. Did you actually think you had a chance with Blake? That one kiss meant nothing, if anything he's still talking to you out of pity. He felt sad for the girl in the back of the classroom that would run out crying in a thunderstorm." She wraps her arm around his waist, laying her head on his shoulder. Why the fuck can I never win? Either it's my own fucking head or a bitch with a sign on her vagina that says 'Eat free everyday.' I don't dare look at Blake because at this point I feel like such an idiot. I guess I really did think I could have a chance with him.

"Don't you say shit to me, you rejected Malibu barbie prostitute. Remember that I still have the balls to beat your ass and not be afraid of a bruise." I step closer to her, glaring.

"Wow you'd fight me over a little crush on Blake?" She scoffs and turns her head laughing.

"No Bitch, I'd fight you over saying shit. I don't give a damn about your basic lonely childhood of being neglected by your rich parents yet daddy still giving you everything, you need to back the fuck up and reevaluate your life of making others feel like shit for enjoyment before you get a serious ass beating."

"Are you going to let her talk to me like that?" She looks up at Blake, offended.

"The fuck is he going to do? He doesn't have the balls to go to a person and say what he's actually feeling." I turn to Blake to see him with a hard stare. "If you really felt that fucking sorry for me, you should've just left me alone. You screwed up my life and actually made me think I had a friend in you. I didn't need your damn pity and I sure as hell won't ever need it. I wish you guys a long happy relationship because the way you both treat people-- you're fucking made for each other." I turn around and walk out of the door, slamming it behind me.

"Alex!" I hear Blake yells behind me and I continue walking. "Alex, wait!" I unlock the car and get in the driver seat, driving off. I drive down the different roads trying to get home until my vision becomes blurry with tears and I have to pull over. I keep my hands on the wheel as I begin crying as hard as I can. I chose the asshole over my own best friend. I hug myself leaning over as another bolt of lightning flashes and I squeeze my eyes shut. And the worst fucking part is that I still like him.

~

I've avoided most of my friends for a few days now, I've only really spoken to Molly. And that's because she ambushed me and made me talk. After I told her everything we sat in silence and the first thing she said was, "Well you've had a hell of a senior year so far." But she still understood and has been actually helping me to isolate myself more. I sometimes hear Blake's voice down the hall and I always feel like crying. And then when I see Mac I feel even worse and just want to apologize until he tolerates me.

I walk into the library as soon as the lunch bell rings and I walk into my corner where all the old books no one reads are. I pass by a few of the other library regulars and I smile at one girl as she looks up from her book. I slip my backpack off and put my headphones in, opening Netflix on my phone. I rest my back against the wall, pulling my knees to my chest and begin watching a Disney movie. I begin sniffling at the beginning of the movie, 'Up.' I cry at everything now, but before, Disney movies were the only thing that could get me to cry. I've been watching all of them because they're the good kind of cry and that's what I need.

"Why do I always find you crying?" I hear as someone takes my headphone out and I raise a fist getting ready to punch them. I look up to see Blake smiling down at me and I glare harder debating if I should put my fist down. "We need to talk." He sits next to me pulling out my other headphone and putting my fist down for me.

"No." I grab my phone back and get ready to stand up when he grabs my arm to keep me still.

"Then you just listen. Ashley came to my house the other day because I was officially ending things with her. She got angry and that's when you came. We did nothing." He says.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. You shouldn't even be talking to me, I'm not going to be your charity case again." I yank my arm away.

"Don't you get it? I ended free sex for you."

"Cause that's a better way of putting it." I roll my eyes mumbling to myself.

"I like you, Alex. Even though you're fucking frustrating, I actually like you."

"If you say so." I shrug my shoulders not believing him and get ready to get up again as the bell rings. He grabs my arm once more, yanking me down and pulling in me in for a kiss. I stand still for a few moments, processing what's happening, but before I can act he pulls away.

"Do you fucking believe me now?"