Becoming Badass

I do fucking believe you now.

After Blake kissed me, I kinda ran away. I panicked and squeaked out, "class." Then avoided him for the rest of the day. I should be happy, right? I like him he likes me but I just it's all getting gushy and I still have to talk to Mac. I'm happy Blake likes me but I'm all weird because-- because I don't know what to do now. I'm sitting in the back of a small cafe, that's barely busy, with an ice coffee and chocolate chip muffin in front of me. I rest my chin on top of the coffee lid, sighing, picking at the paper of the muffin. I remember when I use to be alone all the time, no drama, and yeah it got lonely sometimes, but it was quiet. Nobody talked to me every five seconds. Someone sits in front of me and look up, keeping my chin on the cup, Peyton. One of my guys friends from the beginning that I barely see now. He looks at me smiling as he sets his large cup down. I smile back, I think my moment of silence lasted 3 minutes, a new record.

"I haven't seen you in forever." I say laughing quietly as he takes my muffin and begins eating it.

"Well I've been in the same place, you, little girl, on the other hand have been MIA." He say taking in another mouthful.

"Yeah, I kinda have been trying to go back into my bubble. Slow down before you eat the paper." I lift my head from the cup and rest my arms on the table, holding my cup.

"Why?" He asks pulling away the paper and tossing it onto the plate. "The way I see it you're getting everything you wished for. You don't look like a drug addict that only wears shirts three times larger than your actual waist. Teachers know your name because they have to hear all about you from the principle and your troubles. You got in with the 'cool kids.' Everyone knows your name in our school now. AND you got the guy that's at the head of the social tower to like you."

"All the attention is getting too much."

"Didn't you give me and the rest of the guys a large lecture on us ignoring you and how shitty you felt. Now that we're all looking at you, you want to run away? How the hell does that make sense?" He finishes the last bite of my muffin and takes a sip of his drink. I look down at the table, sighing, I guess when you take everything that's happened I do seem selfish and like a bitch.

"It's just- I panic. With everyone looking at me more, my anxiety--" I begin and he puts his cup down making a small clap sound.

"Let me stop you right there. I love you Alex, I really do but you also need to realize a few things. Us, your friends, understand your anxiety more than you think. You're not the only person in the world that panics and you're not the only one in our group. I've had my fair share and so have the others. You experience it more frequently which is an issue and I understand. But lately it's like you're letting anxiety define you. You use it like you use your name when I know that isn't you. I know anxiety is difficult to deal with but you have to realize that it is a part of you. A small part, not you." I look up at Peyton, why is he the voice of reason now? "I just dropped a shit ton on you, I know. I mostly came over here to say one thing: Stop avoiding your friends. We actually care about you but how can we show it if you run away every second."

"Dang." I mutter under my breathe, staring at him. "I've be so self-absorbed I haven't noticed anything... I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, you just got lost in your head for a bit. Well," He says standing up. "Thanks for the muffin. And one more thing I know you've had Mac and Blake after you, but since you picked Blake I just want you to let Mac down easy. And I want you to take a chance with Blake don't overthink too much, just let life lead you sometimes." I nod my head listening to him then stand up quickly. 

"How'd you know I chose Blake?"

"I saw you two kissing in the library. Classic." He starts laughing as he walks away

"Where are you going?" I ask grabbing my coffee and jogging up next to him as he walks out the door, throwing the half full cup away.

"Going to see Mac, we have a test and I need help." I stop for a second.

"Can I come?" I ask, walking again and he looks at me with an eyebrow raised then nods his head as he walks to his car. "I'll meet you there." I say walk over to where I parked my motorcycle. My mom let me drive my bike again. We've been trying to get back to normal and she decided to give me my keys back. I place my helmet on and swinging my leg around and turn my bike on.

~

"You're my best friend and I have to be honest with you." I say, sitting next to Mac on the roof of his house. "So straight out," I let out a puff of air, "I only see you as a friend." I look at him as he stares back at me.

"Because you like Blake?" He bites his lower lip as he looks down then turns his body to face out, sighing.

"I have feelings for Blake, I can't lie to you. But, even if that wasn't the case, I'd still see you as a friend. The blond kid who got his face shoved into the dirt by his twin sister. My best friend of years, the guy who has an amazing life ahead of him. My best friend. Who I hope to keep with me my entire life, despite this situation. You're my brother and I love you. I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way but as your friend and decent human being, I won't lie." We sit in silence for awhile before he looks over at me and pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms around him tightly.

"I understand. It fucking sucks, but I understand." He pulls away and pats my shoulder, smiling slightly. He takes a deep breath and stands up holding his hand out for me, "Let's go back in." I grab his hand to pull myself up and watch as he crawls back through the window. Time for the next step.

~

I drive down the road, slowing down at a red light, putting one foot down to stabilize myself and stare at the street light. I realize that so far this school year has fucking sucked, but also been fucking amazing(?) All the drama free years have finally caught up to me and I'm dealing with everything now. But I've been to self-absorbed lately. I miss the girl who would be worried if her friend even frowned for a minute. I miss the girl who could read until her eyes burned and be satisfied with silence. And while I do miss her, this new me has been able to speak her mind. Punch a bitch and live a little. After having too much silence then too much noise, I need to find the middle ground. But right now, my next step is Blake and just fucking accepting him. Accepting him as he is and not being scared about his every move. I jump slightly as I hear a car honk at me and I look up to see the light is now green. I lift my leg and begin riding down the street again.

"Hey," I yell after Blake as he's walking towards his front door with his back faced to me. I park my bike and pull my helmet off, swinging my leg off and walking over to him. He turns around and stands still with a raised eyebrow at me, I stand a few feet away from him with my helmet in my hand. "Hey," I say again.

"Hey? You're not going to run away if I speak?" He says with an upset voice and sigh nodding my head.

"I deserve that." I walk closer to him until my face is a few inches from his and I stare up at him. "But I just thought I should say, I do fucking believe you now."