Becoming Badass

Fuck

I wake up to a pile drool coming out of my mouth and glancing up to see that I'm on Blake's chest. Shit shit shit. I slowly pull my face away causing a line of drool between my cheek and his chest. I wipe my mouth the blanket and look up to see if he's still asleep. I think he is, I hope he is. I wipe away all of my drool, cringing in disgust at myself. I place my hand on his chest, it's cold but at least it isn't wet. And I pray to god he won't smell anything. I pull my hand away and look for my phone reaching for it over Blake and checking the time. Definitely going to be late to school. I glance down at him as he shifts around a bit and I slow pull the blanket off of me. I scoot off the bed trying to move it as little as possible.

"So I'm just a one night stand and you're leaving me?" Blake speaks with low, grumbling morning voice.

"Yeah, I don't do commitment." I say sitting at the edge of the bed looking at him over my shoulder.

"But I thought we had something meaningful."

"Sorry, Babe." I shrug my shoulders trying not to laugh.

"Who hurt you? I can help, I can take the pain away." He raises his voice a few octaves.

"I don't do feelings." I begin laughing at the end of my sentence at our switched roles of the guy usually being the manwhore and the girl pleading for sex with a stranger to mean more. "No, but seriously we have to get to school."

"Nooooo," Blake pulls a blanket over his head and I roll my eyes.

"If you get ready in the next three seconds, I'll have sex with you." I blurt out in a monotone voice. Blake rips the blanket off, jumping off the bed and falling down in the process. I begin laughing, "1, 2, 3, like that'll ever happen." He looks at me pouting.

~

I step out of Blake's car as the bell for lunch rings and I groan loudly. After Blake got up he gave me a shirt and a pair of jeans for school and we made our way over here. Yes, we ate breakfast, it was cereal and nearly expired milk. I walk towards the school and we both check in at the front desk and make our way to the cafeteria.

"I have to do something so you hang with your friends." I say before we go through the lunch doors.

"No. Last time I left you alone with your friends you stormed out." He says looking down at me.

"I need to learn how to deal with things on my own. I can't rely on you for everything. But don't get me wrong I'm incredibly grateful that you've helped me. I'll be okay. Maybe not today but soon." I say pushing the doors open, giving him one last glance before walking to my usually table where all my friends are. I stand at the edge of the table looking at all of them, "I'll talk to all of you and explain everything. But first I need to apologize for blowing up. I've been in a mix of emotions ever since school started and I can't take it out on you guys. You've been with me through thick and thin. It's my fault for not explaining the situation sooner but I was afraid. I'm sorry... But also before you say anything else I need to speak with Mac. Urgently." They all look around and at me in complete silence before looking at Mac with wide eyes, some weird grins, and some wiggling eyebrows. Then they all begin yelling,' go' at him.

"That night you guys kidnapped me to the party do you really not remember anything?" I say as we made our way down the hallway and sit down near the band lockers. It's the only place people don't go except the band geeks and they're at a competition. Mac sits next to me with our backs against the wall and I stare at my hands picking my nails. I glance over to see him shake his head. "You told me you had a crush on me since freshman year."

"I did what now?" He sits up straight looking at me with panic in his eyes. I nod my head, "Shit... I... Well-"

"I just needed to talk about this mess." I turn my body so I face him and he does the same. I grab both his hands in mine, "Mac, you are my closest friend. And have been there for me more times than I can count. But I don't know how I feel. I don't know if my feelings are, I like you as a brother or I actually like you... But that doesn't matter. What I really need you to understand is that I am not good enough for you."

"Let me stop you right there. Al-" Mac begins but I interrupt.

"No, this isn't where you tell me I'm perfect and we kiss. Listen to me." I grab his hands tighter and he returns it, I look him in the eyes and my heart fills with dread and pain. "I am scared of everything. I panic to the point where I can't breathe. I am a mess. My mind is screwed up and scattered. If you and I date, you will spend hours worrying about me when you should be focusing on yourself. You have a good life. Mac, you're entire life is planned and ready for you to accomplish it. If we date everything while change. You will have to deal with my anxiety, family problems, and uncertainty. I don't want that for you. You deserve someone as great, as healthy, and as sane as yourself. When I say I'm not good enough, it's because it's true. This isn't some thing where we date and you fix me." I place my hand on the back if his neck and pull him close so my forehead touches his and I look  him in the eyes. "You deserve the world, someone who's just as amazing as you, that's not me. I don't want to screw up your life."

"You add color to my life. If I wasn't willing to face these challenges with you then I would've forgotten my feelings the minute they started developing. Stop thinking you'll ruin my life when you'll do the exact opposite. And sh let me speak." He says as I open my mouth again. "The first time I knew I wanted more with you was when I first lost my virginity."

"What the fuck?" I give him the weirdest look ever as I pull my head back.

"No, no, let me explain. It was the first high school party all of us except you went to and that night was a lot of first's. The next day you came over to my house looking for Layla but as soon as you saw me-- I don't know maybe I looked awful but you immediately forgot about her and helped me. It was the first time you and I truly had a meaningful conversation and most of it was me talking about how I lost my virginity. And by the time I finished I realized you hadn't said a word just listened the entire time. And even when Layla came to my room she tried to pull you to hers and you still said, 'No, Mac isn't done talking.' That was the first time anyone has truly focused their attention on me. It's always about Layla or trying to get to her. But you, you made me feel like I was actually important." He looks down at our hands and I stay silent.

"But I don't want my issues to be a part of your life. I don't want you to feel my pain and yours... You won't be able to fix me. I-"

"I don't want to fix you. I want to be with you. I want to be a part of your life, you finding yourself. I know I can't fix you but I want to be by your side as you figure out everything." Once again, I'm speechless. What do you say to someone who's been apart of your life that has seen the worst, the best and wants to be there for more? Why am I so hesitant?

Blake. I do have feelings for him. But I love Mac too. Mac has been here for me for my life. Blake has been here for me for my screwed up mind. What do I do? I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I look at Mac. I stare into his brown eyes for what feels like an eternity and when I open my mouth to speak again he leans forward, pressing his lips to mine. I freeze for a moment before my eyes flutter and I begin returning the kiss. His lips are soft and gentle, I begin to lean closer when he pulls away. I open my eyes, looking down, my cheeks begin heating up and I take a quiet deep breathe. Fuck.

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(Curios: Mac or Blake?)