Becoming Badass

Trying to breast feed me?!

I sigh softly hugging my stomach keeping my head on Blake's shoulder. I got Mac and Jess to finally go back to class but Blake absolutely refused to leave. He kept telling me to shut up and pulled me next to me, keeping his arms around me. In all reality this is what I needed, I just need someone to stay with me. I look around me and take a deep breathe, I feel so small. It feels like everything around me grew and I'm the smallest thing here. I open my eyes and look at Blake when I feel him begin to rub my arm and pull one arm away reaching in his pocket, pulling out his phone. I look down at his phone and see my reflection in the black screen, looking away instantly. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, especially after I have a panic attack. I don't know what happens- I just hate looking at myself, it makes me anxious all over again. I look at everything that I hate about myself and the longer I look the more I don't recognize myself, the more I don't feel like myself. Not knowing who I am terrifies me, I know we're all trying to find ourselves but after I stare in the mirror it feels like I don't even know my name. Who is this person? Am I really them? Is this really me? Am I this stupid to let my fear and anxiety to control me?

"You know it's lunch time." I say quickly trying to switch the subjects in my mind, and as I glanced at the time on his phone.

"Mhm," He nods his head and I sit up correctly.

"Why don't you get lunch and then go to class? I think I'm going to go home." I mutter softly rubbing my eye gently, then push myself up holding my hand out for Blake. He grabs my arm and pulls himself up.

"No," He simply says and pulls me in a hug causing me to sigh. "I don't know what happened last time you had a panic attack but I regret leaving you alone. Alex, having two panic attacks in the span of a week is not good for you. We need to tell your parents, fuck, if you don't want to tell them let's tell the fucking school counselor. But you can't continue this way."

"It's been a week since my last one?" I ask softly looking down. He responds with an 'mhm' and I I rest my forehead on his chest. "Maybe I do need to go to a therapist, maybe there is something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with going to a therapist. I know some people will say just get over it, but I know that you need help. Not me hugging you whenever you panic, you need help that can actually- well help you." He cups my cheeks with both hands causing me to look up and I nod my head, my eyes look down slightly my cheeks heating up.

"I just... When I was younger they kept getting closer, I didn't think it'd go down to a week apart. The first time it was four years apart, then two, then one, few months, and now- now a week. I didn't think I had a problem, I thought it was normal, I thought everyone has at least one and I was just a little bit above average."

"I know, maybe you don't have a full blown anxiety or panic disorder- maybe you're just overthinking, but I don't think  having them a week apart is good for your health. Especially since it's the first week of school and you already missed a lot. I don't think I've ever seen you sit through a class fully... If I hadn't known what to do today, something bad may have happened to you, and I would've just been terrified like your friends not being able to help you." Blake says pushing my hair back and I sigh softly hugging my arms.

"How do you even know what to do?"

"Well- Well... My sister has a generalized anxiety disorder, I used to spend hours searching up ways to help someone while having anxiety attacks. I even use to sleep on the floor of her bedroom, ready to console her if anything happened." He says pulling his arms away from me and scratching the back of his head. "I never told you because I didn't think it was important, I didn't think my sister would want me to tell anyone. Honestly I don't know why I'm telling you now..." He mumbles the last part and I nudge his arm gently with my finger.