Selfish ~ Trevor Jackson

"TREVOR!!!" I roared at him watching his eyelids flutter. "DON'T YOU FUCKING DIE ON ME!!!" I held him in my arms trying to stop the tears that were cascading down my cheeks and watched as he put a shaky hand against my face. Just when I found that person who cares about me, he had to leave.

"I thought you would be alright, Trev! You got out of the hospital and they said you would be okay!" I shouted watching a tear course the side of his face. He sniffled as struggled to keep his eyes on me.

"Before I go, I have to tell you something," he whispered grabbing onto my hand.

"You're not going anywhere!" I shrieked pulling him closer to my heart.

PAUSE

Let me take you back two years. March of 2012. It was the peak of my career, the end of a six year toxic relationship I was in, three weeks from my daughters fifth birthday, and the last time I can remember EVER being selfish.

I had just gotten to rehearsal for my Unapologetic tour and I was fighting with my ex on my Bluetooth over the next time I'm allowing him to see Leanni.

"Christopher, you will see her on her birthday weekend!! Get out of my fucking ear with that bull shit!!" I shrieked handing my coffee to my assistant.

"Deanna, I haven't seen her in weeks!!! Let me take her to Chuck E Cheese or something tomorrow!!" Chris yelled back. "All you care about is your stupid tour!!"

I rolled my eyes, "Oh Chris, I think you're breaking up! Oh no!" Before he could say anything else I hung up and took off my headset handing both my phone and Bluetooth to my assistant.

"You ready, Deanna?" Ashanti asked. I pulled up my hair into a ponytail and nodded my head. The beat to Phresh Off The Runway dropped and I began to follow the routine with all that I had. I let all of my life's worries rush out of my body as I sang the words to my song and moved my body to the fast beat. I was so tired of the bullshit and stress going on and the closest escape I got was rehearsal.

All my dancers were female up until Rude Boy where I had a few male dancers accompany me, but one in particular was off beat and dragging most of the time when we rehearsed. I wasn't liking that too much and had been talking to Sean Bankhead about getting him replaced, the kid was pure booty when he danced, but Sean insisted on sticking it out for a bit longer.

"Maybe he'll catch on!" He said. Ha! Lies!

We got in formations for Rude Boy and as soon as the beat dropped and I started winding my hips, I could smell the mistakes in the air before Jaycee could even make them. I shut my eyes and sang and danced so that I could keep focused but right when I went to grind on Jaycee, he stepped his big ass foot onto MY small ass foot.

I yelped and pushed him away letting out a scream in frustration. I covered my face in anger and pointed a finger at him giving him a silent warning. I fanned myself and tried to count to three before I snapped.

"Jaycee, we will try this ONE MORE TIME!!! AND IF YOU CAN'T GET IT RIGHT YOU'RE DONE!!!" I bellowed smacking his chest. "5, 6, 7, 8!!!!!" We began to dance and I sang whilst watching him and just when my anger died down, he stepped on my foot... Again.

I grabbed my book bag and marched out of the studio hungry for blood. I can't with fuck ups right now, I can't.

I grabbed Sean by the back of his collar and yanked him into the women's bathroom. He was yelling for me to quit and to stop, but I refused. He was going to listen to me this time. I pushed him into a stall and shut and locked the door behind us.

"Sean, I have more things to worry about than some amateur ass dancer that keeps stepping on my foot during Rude Boy. I'm not changing the routine and I'm not changing the person for that specific part of the routine, I want a new male dancer altogether and I don't give a shit what it takes," I said poking his chest over and over. He put his hands up in defense and rolled his eyes at me.

"I'm not taking no for an answer, Sean," I stated folding my arms.

He rolled his eyes once more, "Aight, fine. We'll hold auditions tomorrow morning." I grinned and pat his head before exiting. As I was making my way to my Range Rover, my assistant handed me my coffee, phone, and headset and instantly I got right back on business calls.

I had several interviews coming up one right after another and in the same day, I had meetings with the label all this week, meetings with my manager all next week, appointments for my daughter the day before her birthday, school stuff for my daughter to go to in June, a court hearing with Chris in September, a tour in four weeks, a photo shoot tonight, and two performances at the Ellen Degeneres Show and 106&Park a day before tour.

The life I live is the one I worked hard for. And it's the one I wished I never had sometimes.