Selfish ~ Trevor Jackson

Patiently Waiting

I wouldn't lie and say I called him that night. Because I didn't.

I didn't call him the next night. Or the night after. It had been a week since I had last seen him, going on two.

I just stared at my phone and cried every night, urging myself to call him but not exactly mustering up the courage to do so.

I mean, it wasn't like I didn't want to speak to him because I did. I missed hearing his laugh and hearing the joy in his voice, but the thought of hearing those things reminded me of the demise that was soon to come.

I had never lost anyone close to me before. I mean ever. Most people cried when they're grandma died, but I didn't. I was the only person at the funeral that was ready to go home; I was bored.

When most people lose their parents they cry, but, as bad as it sounds, my mom has been dead to me since I realized I came dead last in her list of priorities. As for my dad, his soul had departed a long time ago.

So now that I'm dealing with someone that I actually love and care about having to leave me, I didn't know how to deal with it. How am I supposed to just move on? What situation have I ever been faced with where I knew what to do or how to move on from it?

Trevor was the one to help me with all that, but there's only so much he can say to me when we both have lost trust in each other one way or another.

I had Kat and Sean take Lee Lee to visit Trevor weekly, but I stayed home and sulked and tried to self medicate. I was seeing no results, but I was trying to stay far away from a professional. I know I agreed to it, but I just couldn't get myself to get up and call a psychologist.

I read The Bible a lot. I read and read until I fell asleep. I learned a lot, some of it pertaining to what I was going through but it just didn't seem to do much. I was still depressed and part of me knew that it was me holding myself back. It was up to me to do what I had to do to progress and live my life. But every night I would cry and every morning I would see his face and imagine the disappointment tattooed on it.

I gazed around the house while I munched on some crackers trying to figure out what level of energy I had to clean my house. I had a few dishes in the sink that had been sitting for a few weeks along with clothes and empty take out boxes all over. I sighed when I looked at it, unsure how or when it had gotten that bad.

I decided that I would eventually being that Leanni was with my mother and she would be dropping her off when they were done. The last thing I needed was for my mom to see me sweat, because she wouldn't let it go.

Suddenly, the front door knob jiggling and the sound of a key twisting inside of the lock. It snapped me out of my thoughts and I instinctively got nervous, Trevor was the only one with a key. I swallowed and back pedaled into the sink, beginning to sweat anxiously.

I wasn't ready for this- any of this. Facing my demons didn't sound like a good idea, but jumping out of my open window did.

I thought he was going to be at the hospital longer! I thought. I was mentally freaking out on a level that the rest of my body couldn't handle. My adrenal glands were going haywire and my heart was pounding almost out of my chest. The idea of having to face him after not calling him like he asked me to, storming out, and cheating on him seemed unreal- intangible.

The door swung open and I grabbed my heart whilst lurching forward to catch my breath. "Jesus, Katrina," I whispered.

"Where the hell have you been?!" She shouted.

"How did you get a key?" I questioned.

"I asked you a question first," she said folding her arms.