Selfish ~ Trevor Jackson

Tired of Missing You

That only made me cry a bit harder. I missed him so much. My heart ached for him every night but I couldn't force myself to get over all that was unfolding around me.

Trevor was my angel. He came down from heaven just for a minute and now he had to leave me, just as angels normally did. But I'm selfish, God knows how bad I needed Trevor in my life, how could He just take him away?

Gracious.

I remember the first day I met Trevor. He was glowing. His perfectly even chocolate skin tone and curly hair was memorizing. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. The way he spoke to me turned me off but at the same time only made me more attracted to him.

The way he danced... He danced like it wired within him. Like he waited his whole life to dance with me. His heart grooved with his body and I could tell that all of his being was being unleashed onto the dance floor as he moved. As we moved together I had never felt more in sync with anyone else in my life.

I never wanted to leave that dance floor and I was disappointed when it was over. But I was shocked to see what he had to bring to the table. He brought so much swag and charisma that I wasn't expecting from someone that spoke to me out the side of their neck. And I was infatuated with it- with him.

And the way he treated me... I begged people to treat me like a normal person and I just never got it. They thought they knew me when they didn't at all or they didn't try because they believed everything they hear in the media.

Trevor was a different story. He always treated me like Deanna and not Rihanna... Rihanna wasn't who he saw me as. He saw the real me from the moment he walked through the door of my dance studio. I felt naked in his presence, uncomfortable and exposed, and that was what infuriated me.

But then he taught me how to be comfortable with being seen and not to hide behind my designer clothes and make up. To be me and love myself for it.

He taught me how to be a mother and how to co-parent properly. He taught me how to love my child despite the moments that she had that remind me of her father. How red her nose would get when she got upset and how her chest would heave up and down before she would throw a temper tantrum.

Now I wanted to be with him forever, but forever isn't as long as I hoped it to be. Forever ended in seven months. Yet we still had so much work to do in our relationship and so little time.

His hand never left my cheek as he constantly wiped tears from my face. I was so joyed to see him finally but it was bittersweet.

Trevor gazed at me like he had never seen someone so perfect, like he had been waiting on me forever.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed. He frowned for less than a second and then brought me into his arms.

"I've already forgiven you," he murmured rubbing my back. The butterflies seemed to float up to my chest and my knees gave out under me. My God, his touch.

"For everything? For cheating on you? For not calling you like you asked me to? For being a huge ass hole?" I babbled. Dr. Lovelace picked up a box of tissue and handed it to Trevor. He cleaned my nose with a small smile carved into his cheeks.

"I'll love you as long as my spirit lives. My flesh may die, but my soul will love forever. Of course I forgive you, Deanna," he said. "My question is will you forgive me?"

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong. I was being overly dramatic," I replied.

"No. I lied to you. I'm sorry for that," he refuted.

"I- I forgive you," I blurted. Did I really? I had to think about it. Was this forgiveness that I was presenting to him valid? Or was I finally getting over the fact that he's dying? My eyes wandered for a moment and Dr. Lovelace brought us back to reality.