Selfish ~ Trevor Jackson

How Long?

The next day, I decided to let go of the conversation I overheard last night and find something to get my mind off of it. Whatever this was, Trevor insisted on telling me in his own way. So, I was going to let him.

Or at least try to let him.

No promises.

Here I was with Ms. Baxter, Leanni, and Nana at a spa, my treat, enjoying a deep tissue massage. Lord knows I needed it and I owed it to them for watching Leanni so much while we were here.

Trevor was at the house with Ian, doing whatever. Even though they were brothers and I was sure that they would be okay, it was scary seeing the body splitting glares they were giving each other and hearing the awful things they would mumble to each other when they had to cross paths.

Trevor was never one to swear, as you well know, and it was difficult to hear them come out of his mouth. I mean, it didn't sound right coming out of his mouth and it didn't feel good to hear them coming out of his mouth.

"Damn" was a word he said when he was angry already, but was getting ready to lower an F-bomb and explode on you. Knowing that you made him angry enough to drop all religious beliefs, is a scary thing.

As I could tell, Ian had a foul mouth so hearing him cuss was like hearing him say "I" or "Hello". Pretty damn normal.

Although I had found God, I still struggled with remembering that my words weigh a million and I should watch what comes out of it. Especially when I'm upset, which happens often and happens quickly.

Ian and I got a little bit more comfortable around each other and we actually had a real conversation for the first time. I felt that it was a little overdue being that Trev, Lee Lee, and I were leaving tomorrow afternoon.

He explained why he was behaving the way he was towards me and I understood.

He said that Alyssa was one of his best friends, more like a sister to him and he was looking forward to being an Uncle; Ian was the first one she told that she was pregnant.

It had been ten years since she died and it was still hard for him to get over the fact that Alyssa was dead and that Leanni, who he held at birth and watched take her last breath, was gone too.

I couldn't imagine holding my daughter and she dying in my arms. I couldn't imagine Kat or Sean or... Trevor's soul departing while I hold onto their body. It would be traumatizing and in addition even more difficult to get over.

"Are you close with your mom?" Ms. Baxter asked. I snapped out of my thoughts and opened my eyes.

"Not really," I answered honestly.

"Why not?" She questioned.

"She didn't really believe in me when I started singing. She was more concerned about my other siblings," I explained. "My father just worked. He was so overworked that he barely said anything. I barely remember seeing him smile... Just seeing him sleep."

"He still with your mom?"

"Barely."

"How many brothers and sisters do you have?"

"I'm the baby out of seven."

"Wow. And your mom ignored the baby? That's backwards."

"I agree. But, that was then, she's a great grandma now."

"When did you have Leanni?"

"I was twenty when I had her."

"Does she see her dad? I heard about you pressing charges and things like that."