Selfish ~ Trevor Jackson

I'm Just Scared

After a few hours of staring at the ceiling sorting through my thoughts to try to find something that made sense to me, I heard a knock on the door. I decided to go see who it was and tell them to go away out of annoyance. But instead it was Trevor. I froze for a second and then walked away.

"Don't walk away from me, Deanna," he said loudly. I continued walking and suddenly I heard loud banging and the sound of cracking plastic followed by aggressive grunting.

"Stop it!!!" I shouted angrily as Trevor ripped the door open like it wasn't locked. The doors swung open and it hung slightly attached to the bus like a limp arm or leg.

"I'M TRYING TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!!" He roared as he made his way inside.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT GODDAMN DOOR!!!" I shrieked pointing my finger in his face.

"YOU SHOULD'VE FUCKING OPENED IT!!!" He bellowed getting into my face.

"I DIDN'T WANT YOU HERE THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T OPEN IT!!!!"

"DEANNA, TALK TO ME!!! TELL ME WHY YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND!!! TELL ME WHY YOU'RE SCARED!!!!"

"NO!!!"

"WHY NOT?!?!"

"I JUST FUCKING CAN'T!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!!!"

"HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!! TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!!!"

"GO AWAY!! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO FORCE THINGS OUT OF ME!!??!! IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS!!!"

"DEANNA, I AM MORE ATTRACTED TO YOU MORE THAN I'VE BEEN ATTRACTED TO ANY GIRL IN MY LIFE!!! I want you and I gotta have you,"

"Well you can't,"

"Are you afraid of what Chris will do?"

"No!!"

"Are you afraid of what people will think?"

"Smch, no,"

"Are you afraid of loving again?"

"Stop it, Trevor!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!"

"Someone hurt you that damn bad that you can't just tell me why the fuck--"

"I'M SCARED THAT YOU'LL BE JUST LIKE HIM!!!" His face softened up and I could feel the temperature in the room go down in an instant, "When I was with Chris, he hurt me. A lot. Not just the bullshit in the magazines about the physical abuse. There's more to the story anyway, I spit on him and hit him first," That was the first time I ever admitted that and now I was in pure shock. I covered my mouth and felt the tears glazing over my eyes, coercing their way out.

I hate the way Trevor makes me feel and I hate what he does to me. Maybe I bury these things deep inside because of the emotional overload that I was afraid of coming up-- that was transpiring at that moment. But Trevor urged me to keep going.

"He called me stupid... And a dumb fuck, a retard, an inadequate piece of dog shit, anything that belittled me he would call me. He called me those things enough times to make me stop doing the things that I liked and doing the things that make me who I am; the little bits and pieces I have left of myself."

"Like what?" He asked in a soft whisper.

"I used to stare at Leanni when she was a baby and admire her innocence and how she could just trust anyone without trying. I mean, yeah babies have no choice but to trust the people around them but she just did it so easily. I would cry every now and again and Chris caught me once and told me that I was wasting time. I used to go for a drive and sit on the beach and watch the waves and look at the ocean too, but Chris found out where I was going and... Ended all that," I explained wiping my nose on my forearm.