Not In Love With Liam

12~ Devil's Bargain

Shit. That's what I'd put myself in.

I wondered around my room, looking for a distraction, but failed and collapsed onto my bed. I felt defeated.

Hayden knew. Darcy knew.
They were my only friends who knew.
I hadn't told anyone else, because I wanted to forget.

Liam would hate me. All of my friends would hate me. And if my Mum and Dad found out? I'd be six feet under in an instant.

I shouldn't have stuck around, playing games. I should have listened to Darcy and ignored him.

I know I'd put it all behind me. That life was a thing of the past. But Gabriel brought it all back. All the feelings and problems and bad decisions. The heartbreak and anxiety and every other bad thing I went through in secondary school.
If I'd just stayed with Liam back then and stopped getting ahead of myself.

I'm such an idiot.

I felt like I'd found someone. Someone I could relate to. Someone who would help me. But Gabriel didn't help.
He only got me hooked on all sorts of horrible drugs that I shouldn't have ever gotten involved with.

Then there was the abortion.
Not mine.
He got another girl pregnant while I was with him, and just like he always does- he blamed her.
He made her feel like shit. So she got rid of their baby and ran away.
Then after he'd realised what he'd done, he tried to blame me.
He told me that it was my fault. If I hadn't gotten so mad at him, he wouldn't have said what he said to her. He wouldn't have forced her to get rid of it..

And after everything else he did, he left me and I ended up an alcoholic at the age of sixteen.
My friends helped me get back on my feet, but sometimes I can't control it.

It's obvious.

I dance on tables and I go home with strangers.

But I haven't taken a pill since. I haven't gone back to drugs.

I started because he told me it would help.
Rumors were being spread. Tori had just died. I was failing my GCSE's. My whole world was falling apart.

He said they would help. I wouldn't feel sad anymore if I took them.
I knew it was wrong but it was my last resort.
I wanted to fit in with him and his friends so badly. They stayed out late, they bunked school, they drank and they smoked and they went wherever they wanted.

I remember a summer when I joined them. It was fun for a while, until I realised I was becoming one of them. Their inability to control themselves always reminded me before, that I wasn't one of them. I was only there temporarily, then once school reopened, I'd go back and have another go at my actual life. But somewhere along the way I got lost.

I spent another four months after summer with them, that's when Hayden found me. I met Hayden in year eleven. He didn't know me before, but he said he'd seen me at school and he wanted to know if I was okay. I was wailing outside a trailer, a bottle of pills in my hand, at midnight.

I said I was fine, so he went. The next day, he returned with the girl he said he aways saw me hanging about with. Darcy.
The two of them skipped school and stayed with me, and I told them how my boyfriend had cheated on me.

After that, I went to stay with Darcy at her cousin Michelle's for a while. I'd lied to my parents, saying I'd gotten a summer job and my contract had been extended, therefore I'd have to stay with Darcy as she lived closer to 'work'. They obviously weren't happy with it, but there was nothing they could do. Her and Hayden took care of me whenever they could, then when I was in a decent state, I went back home.