My Journal

March- April, 2016.

Though, this is in the past, this is going to be a very important two months (ish). It's about Chase.

Now you're probably wondering how I could dedicate a whole chapter/month to one singular person, but hear me out.

Early March, chase randomly texted me and admitted we weren't friends anymore. Out of nowhere, really. It was the first day of spring break.

I didn't answer for a long time, contemplating begging for forgiveness. He was the best friend I'd had. I needed him, probably more than I thought. I know it was my fault.

For months before this, we'd had a lot of problems. He had some other friends, and was in a relationship with a non-binary kid named Valentine. I didn't like Valentine in the slightest. Mostly because they blew chase off and ignored them for days at a time. Chase was my best friend, I knew he deserved better.

But then there was Jackson. Jackson was a little shy, also trans. He and chase were friends, but I had this strong intuition that Jackson truly was a bad guy. I know, never judge a book by its cover, but I do. I have the strongest gut I've ever heard of.

Anyway, chase started talking to me less and them more. He'd cancel plans all of the time and it really hurt me. Also, it was slightly embarrassing for me, but I swallowed my pride and learned to deal with it.

Chase and I met one another at a time where we were both really being dragged through the mud. I had just moved to Georgia and he had just come out as trans. His parents dealt with it but there were kids who were just so mean to him. For no reason.

It might've been funny to them but I just told them to back off. I should've done more, looking back on it.

Anyhow, after I'd decided I'd just respect Chases decision to let go, I told him I didn't want him to hate me. He had this ex and every time this kid walked by, Chase would give him this icy cold stare. I did not want him looking at me like that.

One day, in drivers Ed, we were forced to move seats and we were sat right next to one another. I took a glance at him and saw he was looking at me the exact same way.

The whole month, we went about our business. We talked shit about each other behind the others back. Chase's senior friend, I'm not exactly sure what they'd identified as, but they used they/them pronouns and were named Chris, had been lying to everyone.

Christopher had been sitting with us at lunch, telling Michelle and I everything about chase. Dirty little secrets, things Chase had said about me, and even poke fun at him. And then they'd hang out with chase on the weekends and after school. I should have known not to trust them.

Michelle and I had this discussion. Chris was just a flip flop when it came to they're friends.

On the 20th of April, I stayed home sick from school. No, I wasn't skipping to get high, I was really sick. Michelle called me at 3:03, which is three minutes after school. She called and admitted that her, Chris and Chase had lunch together, and chase asked how I was doing. She lied and said I was doing very well.

I didn't know what to say or think. Did he still care or was he just trying to make conversation? For the next like, 18 hours, I thought about asking him how he was the next day. I went over it in my head a billion times. And at lunch, he was sitting by himself and I nearly had to force Chris to sit with him.

I apologize for that in hindsight Chris, but you're kind of an asshole, so...

Besides the point, I asked Michelle and Chris how they were doing and then I moved down the bench, looked chase in the eye and asked how he was doing.

"Really terrible actually, thanks for asking." I actually stepped back a little, because I hadn't thought about this result. My brain processed a response. He later admitted that he was thinking over and over again in his head 'please ask how I'm doing too.'

"Aw dude, why?" Was the polite response. He explained to me that he'd broken up with Valentine and was no longer friends with Jackson. Externally, I put on a pity face and sympathetically apologized for his misfortune. Internally, I was super happy, because I'd hated Jackson and Valentine.

When the lunch bell rang, I went back to sixth and then to seventh. I'd thought, maybe that was it and there was nothing more to the story.

On my way to drivers Ed, I got a snapchat from Lynn, and since the route to that class featured the scenic outdoor path through the courtyard, I figured I'd stand there for a few moments and try to snap her back.

A moment later, Chase was calling me a meme from down the path a little.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Trying to answer a snapchat." Maybe he thought I was waiting for him or something. I'd done enough waiting that whole month.

He told me a faster way to class. After that, every day I'd wait for him outside the auditorium. Sure, we were occasionally late, not that I cared though. I was almost always late for my last two classes of the day that year.

I logged into tumblr and typed in the words: I did it, guys! I got my best friend back!