My Journal

June 9th

Ok, my reading exam was a fucking nightmare. One student didn't finish until ten minutes before testing time was up. So I had to wait for that asshole to finish 30 questions for two hours.

My drivers Ed exam was easy, and I was able to go to the office to get the twenty dollars my mom had left at the front office. She forced them to take it.

Chase and I talked for the remainder of the class period. Mostly snapchatting one another's stupid faces. Although, it is hard to make him look bad.

We met Lynn outside in the courtyard, and then met grace by the gym lobby in the parking lot. Then we proceeded to a pizza place across the road. The vibes the employees were giving off weren't exactly excitement. They seemed pissy. Last time I went, the people working were very nice, even giving me a free gelato.

Apparently, chase sent Eric his nudes. Eric is dating Lynn, though. Chase apologized profusely, while the whole thing prompted Lynn to break out into laughter.

After Lynn's mother picked her up, Chase, Grace and I went to smoothie king. We always act super weird, Chase and I. That means dabbing to classic rock in the middle of a Smoothie King. Grace left soon after that.

Sierra wouldn't answer her phone, neither would my mom, John had a popped tire and Ted was in Orlando, so we had no ride home. Solution? we walk 1.8 miles to my house. Not too far...

Unless it starts fucking raining five minutes into the walk.

We sought shelter under a church porch (that's how desperate the situation was). We ran the rest of the way to Starbucks and decided to call an uber. This became the day of my first uber ride.

We got to my house and I don't know about Chase, but I was exhausted. I barely managed to keep my eyes open during my exams and then survived off of sugar from the panini and the smoothie.

We laid down and listened to a variety of music via my stuffed elephant speaker. These various artists consisted of: N. W. A, Melanie Martinez, and the guys who sings Fashionista. If you've never heard it, listen to it, you'll die.

We decided to make the s'mores dip. Chases mom showed up to pick him up right before it went in the oven, around 4:30. Marie got home ten minutes later.

"Where's Chase?" She sounded sad when she asked. I told her he'd left.

Her and I jammed out to Beyoncé and ate Dino nuggets for a couple of hours. Then I saw something on Chases story. Talking about how, I guess he has feelings for someone.

I went to publix with my mom and Marie, had a nice conversation with the check out clerks and then drove us all home. As soon as I stepped inside, I heard the star power Mario theme song. Meaning it could only be Chase, Felicia, or Michelle. Chase had promised he'd call me.

We talked and he told me he still had feelings for Valentine. Chase, buddy, it's none of my god damn business who you date. But Valentine, they left you behind. When you guys dated, you left everyone else. I was never completely honest with you, and that's because it's stupid, I'm aware. But you walked with them to first period and after eighth and spent most of the lunch period talking to them and it was just like- ugh  I don't even know how to describe it, but I felt threatened by their presence.

But if y'all date again, that's not my problem to deal with.

I don't know why I keep directly writing to Chase, it's a journal not a hand written letter or a text. It doesn't matter, though. This journal is my form of expression and I'm not going to let anyone tear it away from me, so what I have to say is what I have to say.

What I write here, stays here, alright? This is a safe haven for my emotions, not anyone's excuse to be upset with me. Chase, I'm sorry, but if you're mad or you feel that the information I ever put in here is false, just comment. Unless I bring it up, I don't wanna talk about this outside of the website/app.

Grace put up on her snapchat story how she thought I was hot and wanted me to date her and I was automatically like "lmao why?" Im literally the worst person ever who'd wanna date me?

Anyhow, afterward, I spent two hours redoing my hair and makeup and getting wardrobe choices for Michelle's get together tomorrow.

Late night thoughts-

As I told chase no more than four hours ago, I have a lot of problems. Many of which I'm not even bringing up in this book. I'm hiding my emotions, I'm in a constant state of fear and paranoia, I don't wanna go out but I don't wanna stay in. The main problem is my suppressing. I don't wanna do it anymore. It literally hurts worse than anyone could ever tell. I mean, look at me. I could never work up the courage to tell anyone how I feel. I can't keep feeling these unrequited feelings but that's not even working. I don't wanna feel anything anymore. I just want someone to care.