My Journal

May 31st, 2016

The day started off weird. I woke up from a weird dream with a migraine at 5:20 a.m. Which is far earlier than I'd wake up on any other day. I was wide awake, though so I just got up and ready for school.

My leg started itching and I realized I had several bug bites from my upper thigh all the way down to my ankles. I dabbed mint toothpaste on them until they chilled out a little bit.

My mom came in to wake me up at 6:36, and she always wonders why I never get up on time. She only comes in  24 minutes before we're supposed to leave.

When I got to school, I waited for Lynn and Michelle where we meet almost everyday in front of their biology class they had first period. Michelle and I went to meet Chase in the theatre before Lynn got there to get my shirt back (I loaned him my Bernie shirt, we're huge Bernie supporters).

And then we got back to the bio room and Lynn handed Michelle and I both a bookmark with a colorful flower on it.

"So you know the library-" I couldn't hear her as Michelle had cut her off with a sound of unsolicited happiness.

Mine had a red clover on it, and on the back there was a hand written note in pencil above the description of the flower that read "I love you! Thanks for always being there for me. You are the definition of a best friend". Who knew a scribbled note on the back of a 2 by 4 inch piece of paper could warm my heart so much.

Then first, second and third period went uneventfully. Fourth period, snacks and drinks were brought in for a party in French class. There's this beautiful girl who sits behind me in that class (I know, my gayness is showing) and I think she's bi, too. But she's way out of my league. I've dubbed her grace, because when I asked her what other name she'd want, she said Grace.

We worked on our assignments together and talked about memes. That's generally how all of my friendships go.

Huh.

The fifth period, I got a ninety on my geometry quiz, but it didn't bring up my grade not one percent. I was pissed. Chase (show off) got a ninety one.

Sixth period I walked with Chase to class and then we had lunch where (mostly) I talked about blatant homophobia by actors and the difference between homophobia and not shipping. This is a subject that seems to piss me off more than it should.

Michelle joined us and we talked about Jackson, and how he completely blew Chase off after he asked if Jackson was ok. Then, Valentine came out and Jackson was a big talker, we noticed from across the hallway.

I know I resent Valentine, but I'm not sure about chase. He seems to hate them enough, but I try my very best not to hate people. We snapped whenever we saw Valentines lips move, because they always sounded like they were performing slam poetry, and that's what you do when someone performs slam poetry.

"I love spoken word."

After that, I went back to class with Michelle. Lunches are very odd. We have second lunch, which is smack in the middle of sixth period. Homeroom is also second period. This whole school is fucked. Whatever.

During Drivers Ed, they were holding tests, which chase and I aren't quite ready for because our lack of driving over the semester. We sat behind a shed full of gym supplies and talked about how I'm pretty sure Michelle thinks I'm hiding something from her.

Then I did something probably really fucking dumb; I told him about this story. I told him where to find it, I added it to his library. In all honesty, I just wanted him to know how I feel. He can come on any time I update and read what I've written. That's ok, though. I tell him everything regardless.

Chase is the type of guy you could tell everything. Sometimes, I wonder how many people tell him their secrets. He could probably destroy multiple lives with the information. Even when we weren't friends, as far as I know, he never told another single soul about what I'd told him.

Chase will get you things, also. Today he handed me itch cream in the hallway, like that was a normal thing.

I walked him to eighth period and went to mine; photoshop. Not that we do anything in there anyway. I spent the majority of the period writing this here journal entry about my boring ass day.

After I left eighth, I picked up Michelle at hers and when we walked out side, I heard a huge boom of thunder following by a crack of lightning. I had to walk home.

"Ah fuck can you do me a huge favor and please get me a ride home." I asked. She called her mom, who said yes due to the oncoming storm and took me home. I saw my stepbrother Ryan walking and I laughed. Boy oh boy do I hate him.

Late Night Thoughts-

Literally everyone has a problem with how I choose to express myself. Michelle is trying to get me to work on my 'nice voice' so I can let my emotions out aloud without lashing out on everyone.

But I think it's time she accepts that the way I try to deal with things is because of my long term depression and anxiety. I always apologize, I always try hard to be nice to everyone, I always reach out to everyone when they're struggling.

I never get anything in return.

I suppose it's alright, though. Some people do their jobs everyday without a single thank you, much like my father.

But the thing is, I'm not getting fucking paid.

So fuck that, I'm gonna shade you on Instagram, I'm gonna subtweet you, rant about you in my journals. It doesn't matter anymore.

Who's gonna tell on me? Chase? (If you're reading this, suh dude?)

I'm so tired of being dragged through the mother fucking mud, and then apologizing when the person who does it has dirt on their shoes.

I'm done.