My Journal

June 16th

I hope anyone who's still reading is enjoying my crippling depression and my suffering.

I read the most depressing thing today, and hurt so bad that I could relate.

While young and still new to my feelings, my emotions are still real. You can't escape what's inside of you. It said "saddest story in six words".

"I met my soulmate. She didn't." How fucking depressing, man? These feelings hurt more than any physical pain I've ever felt. I've literally had a piece of glass gash my leg and get stuck in my thigh. I didn't cry when that happened. But sometimes I think about  the things that could've been if I'd just left it alone.

As I've said many times before, it doesn't matter. I'm going to die one day. Sooner or later, death comes for us all.

Also, my anxiety isn't getting much better. You can tell because I struggled to order my dinner at an Outback Steakhouse this evening for an early Father's Day dinner with Ted. He's not my dad but he is a dad and he provides for our family. Since I'm going away tomorrow, might as well be nice.

The waitress said "you get two sides with that." You know what I said? You know what I fucking said?

"Yeah" I didn't tell her what my other side was. I just said yeah. Then when I came to the realization I'm an actual idiot, I told her I wanted a salad.

Then, she came back and asked if I needed anything else after serving my chicken fingers with fries. I wanted a bloomin' signature sauce because they taste good as fuck on fries (don't judge).

"Do you need anything else?" I stared at her for a while ten seconds, while saying "uhhhhhhhh" and then at last shouting "yeah!". WHY THE FUCK DID I SHOUT AT HER?

THEN THE WHOLE FUCKING TABLE SAT IN SILENCE FOR ANOTHER TEN SECONDS BEFORE I ACTUALLY TOLD HER WHAT I WANTED!!!

FUCK ME!

After we got home I had to drive my mom back out again to get new birthday cards for Jenny and Felicia for their birthdays and we got my dad a lowes giftcard.

When I got home, I chilled with Marie for a few hours until I went to bed. We listened and danced to old music. Especially sexy back. Love Justin timberlake.

What? So I like JT. Who doesn't? He's the bae of everyone, especially new JT.

Also, Felicia passed her drivers test, so we're going to see finding dory tomorrow. She's driving me! I'm so excited! It's our dream come true.

Also, got all up in my feelings with Marie. What else is new though? These feelings will die, hopefully sooner rather than later.