My Journal

February

I guess this is a monthly thing now...

Valentine's day was fun, I suppose. Towards the end, Michelle got panicky about us not getting to my house before her mom got there and started running and then Chase ran and then I was running but since I'm on my period that was not a good idea because I bled through my pants and nearly destroyed them.

And then they both left at the same time, I went upstairs to dissolve any sadness with sleep and some Valentine's chocolate.

Throughout the evening, Chase was being pretty touchy with Michelle. That, not only made me slight uncomfortable but then they were talking about kissing.

A short conversation in which Michelle declared she would never kiss Chase and the sad looks on Chase's face told me everything I needed to know; he clearly liked her again.

That sucked for me, I guess. The idea of them dating was really one of the worst things that came to mind when I thought about the two of them ever. I mean, no offense, but Chase can be very touchy and if they ended up dating I would definitely end up third wheel and hate myself.

And what I write here stays here.

Anyways, the next night, I'd walked to Bayshore with Lynn. We stopped by the corner store and I bought her a juice which she was excited about. And once we came to the edge of Bayshore, looking over the water made me feel peaceful.

Because just prior to this I'd been in a call with my buddy Chase, who confirmed he had conflicting feelings for Michelle. It's not like it could ever work because technically (not technically) Michelle is gay. So I guess that wouldn't anyhow. But still, Chase was kind of sad and I'm his friend so I just stayed on the phone with him and offered my advice and told him I hated the idea of he and Michelle dating.

And then he said something that pissed me off more than almost anything he's ever said to me. (I'm going to have to paraphrase here)

"I wanted to like get close to her on Tuesday," the night we had Valentine's dinner. "But you kept getting between us."

I was standing in line at the gas station check out, so in order to stop myself from snapping I abruptly ended the call. Speaking very fast and in a low tone, I told him I was checking out and I had to go. I'd hoped he'd assume I was mad and text me or something, but no.

At the bay, I told Lynn about my depression and how I had this longing to smoke and how that day while I stayed home from school, I sat at my window and contemplated my life and everyone/thing in it. 

I also almost succumbed to alcoholism on Tuesday after the whole thing was over because my grades suck and I'm always tired and I'm depressed.

But I've never smoked or had a drop of alcohol in my life. decided I'd hold off on the irrational decisions until I was a stable person again.

Or at least a person again.

Lynn also recommended a song she thought I'd relate to. It was more like a spoken word poem over a beat. He talked about how he was depressed and how he felt like his friends hated him and how he was an alcoholic.

Jesus.

For about three weeks I was the happiest I'd ever been. I pulled my grades together, my relationships were all good, my siblings and I were all getting along, Patriots won the super bowl.

It was good.

Last night, I went to go photograph my stepdads hockey team. They're a C-league local team that plays with the average audience or 3-5 people.