Yesterday I ended up going to Chase's house and not wanting to be dead...
Mostly because of messages I received from both Chase and Felicia:
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That was from Felicia.
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That was from Chase.
This morning, I awoke to the Marie eagerly on the phone with a friend.
She'd been invited to a Panic! At the Disco concert with two of her friends and tickets at the venue would only cost thirty dollars. She was so amped up for it...
Until she called Ted to ask, when he said he'd ask mom, her face completely fell. She then waited any texts from mother.
She said no, because no one did the dishes.
Ok, ok, but who the fuck cares? John nor Sierra did the dishes either. John was home longer than the two of us were, and she knows if it was either of them she would've let them go.
Exactly the same thing with the luxuries that she provides the three older siblings but not us. She just got nineteen year old Sierra a brand new phone with the new upgrade. I got a used phone last August, half the buttons don't work. She said I have to wait to get my own job.
I have to buy my own car. I'm stressing about a job I don't even fucking have because of her. And who's gonna hire someone with severe anxiety and limited skills that looks like she's eleven? No one. So I guess my mom doesn't fucking care about me.
I have to get my own god damn retainer for fucks sakes. Why doesn't my mom recognize I'm still a child, I haven't even seen 16 years yet. Why is she doing this to me?
She would do it to Erica, John or Sierra though, not in a million fucking years.
So Marie and I stayed home and cleaned in hopes that she'd let Marie go to the concert. No dice.
They argued for a couple of hours.
When my mom got home, the arguing continued. Sierra still didn't get into any trouble. At one point she kept throwing things at me and rubbing it in that she wasn't getting punished.
I feel like I should explain, I have moments (while few, I still have them) where I get angry and I get physical. And at one point, I fucking lost it and started hitting Sierra. John had to grab me and pull me off of her.
After that I tried to go to my room. My mom tried to follow me and I begged her to just let me go to my room and leave me alone. She refused. Marie and Sierra joined and we had another argument.
Except this time, my mother was angry. Marie was making eye contact and tried to defend herself. My mother interpreted this as "a staring contest for dominance" and "disrespect". And Marie was sent to her room.
On the way up the steps, she mumbled something and my mom ran after her. After about a minute of yelling my mom returned and I immediately went upstairs to Marie.
I asked if my mom put her hands on Marie. She had. One hand around her neck during the whole "conversation". I know it's total bullshit coming from someone who's just hit her sister, but you should never hit a child. Ever. Especially that of your own creation.
She told me she contemplated stating the night at a friends house, and in turn, I promised to pretend to know nothing if mom asked where she'd gone.
And then I went to bed. Stayed there. Didn't get up and go downstairs at all.
But I did go to Marie's room. We talked about my "feelings", but I didn't name anyone. Mostly to spare myself future jokes made whenever I mention them.
"I know who it is." She told me. She couldn't possibly though. I haven't told anyone. Ever.
"If you do know, please don't joke about it. It hurts." I could tell she could feel my pain, and didn't mention it again as of yet.
They're unrequited feelings, ones I may have mentioned before. But names don't matter, because feelings aren't shared and so it doesn't matter.
