My Journal

June 3rd, 2016

Still reading? I must say I'm impressed. I only expected two people to read this; myself and Chase. But it's gotten thirty reads over the course of six chapters.

You'll be absolutely unsatisfied if you were counting on another interesting day. My day was entirely boring. Nothing to write about really.

I do, however, have a few things I'd like to rant about. The first of them being something that's been getting me angry often lately; my feelings.

Don't get me wrong here, I love the feeling of joy and I understand that not everything can be good and bad things happen. But that's exactly what I mean. When bad things happen, how do you cope? Even when you get just pissy and annoyed and sort of feel petty.

It doesn't matter, because if it works for you then it's a good coping mechanism. Some people just can't find it fathomable that there's more than one way to deal with one thing.

Look at our country for example (I'm referring to America, obviously that is where I live after all). We kill thousands of people with no regrets, and no punishment. Because everyone thinks, oh it's for the greater good.

Well honey buns, you're wrong. It's not. I regret to inform you that your government has been using your tax dollars to kill more than just terrorists. Innocent people are dying. And we could handle that a different way. But they won't.

That's how I feel when it comes to my emotions. The easiest way to deal with them is to kill them at the source. Zone out for a moment and remind myself what I've been through and how far I've come. Too much to lose your shit over one simple thing like this, I always say.

Number two is just the fact I don't know how Michelle and I are going to last much longer. Maybe the summer break will do us both some good. She's going to Germany, I'm going to New Jersey. Maybe time apart is really just what we need.

But if that doesn't work, I'm going to be devastated. How could you not after losing a friend so close?

Number three: I only trust two people right now and that's chase and Felicia. I was going through my notes yesterday and found something that revealed some truth behind Chris. This is why I said in chapter 3 that Christopher was an asshole.

They're a liar. A phony, if you will. I already told chase some of the things they said to an extent. But, chase, I know you're reading. Keep your guard up, please.

Number four, out of all of this, is my shit computer. I'm not one of those unappreciative little trust fund pricks, who complains often and then gets what she wants. Trust me, far from it.

But my computer needs to restart every couple of days. And it's an HP, so it has been pestering me about Windows 10. Only today, it downloaded itself as I was trying to sleep to the sixties documentary from CNN.

It's been 30 minutes and it's on 18% so I'm not exactly thrilled about this. Especially since my dad, mom and stepdad all had to chip in to buy me that laptop in the first place.

I just called it quits after a while. Marie is staying at her friends house, Sierra's in Philadelphia with my sister, John is working, Teds on a business trip, and my moms out like a light. Finally, Matthew and Ryan aren't here. And I prayed to God that I'd be able to sleep.

I kept jumping at every noise.

Late night thoughts-

I fear that no one will ever love me.