Imagine If....

He Found the Letter...

*Trigger warning, mentions suicide!*

You raised your arm up to wipe the sweat that began to make its way down your face. Cleaning out your apartment was tough work, but you knew it had to be done. It's not like you were doing it by yourself. Your boyfriend Mark insisted on helping you when you told him about your plan.

"I'm going to help you, no objections. Besides, it's a day you get to see this guns in action."

You laughed when you remembered his reaction to the whole thing. It was moments like these you loved having him around. Currently, you were cleaning out the cabinets in your kitchen. A countless number of expired canned goods currently sat on the counter. You frowned slightly when you realised most of your counter space had already been taken up by these cans. 

"Uhh Y/N, there's a random box filled with crap..." You hear Mark yell from what you assume to be your bedroom closet. 

"Hey! You don't know that!!" You shouted back towards him as you climbed up on the stepladder to reach your higher up cabinets.

"Fine, there's a box filled with.. stuff, what do you want me to do with it?"

"Go through it, make sure nothing major important is hiding in there." Swinging open the cabinet doors, large particles of dust flew out towards you. When you sneezed, your foot slipped from the step and you nearly lost your balance. As you climbed down from the step ladder, your thoughts drifted to Mark.

There's been no noise coming from his direction for a minute or so. If you were going through a box, wouldn't you hear the sounds of rustling? 

"How's everything going over there?" You called out towards him. No response. This was getting odd. Quietly, you padded your way over towards your bedroom. As you turned the corner, you found Mark standing up. A smile lit up your face when you found him, but it soon disappeared when you got a good look at him.

An envelope sat on the bed, ripped open. Mark seemed to be dangling pieces of lined paper in between his fingers as he was rooted to the ground. A quick look at his face and you saw the absolute devastation mixing in with Mark's facial features. When he finally raised his head to look into your eyes, you noticed his chocolate orbs were filled to the brim with tears.

"What's going on Mark?" You took a step towards him, but he took a step back.

"I was going through the box like you told me, and found this envelope. Curiosity got the best of me so I opened it." With his free hand, Mark ran a hand roughly through his bright blue hair . "Why didn't you say anything, did you not trust me?" His deep voice  had raised several decimals as he stared at you.

A confused look appeared on your face before you responded. "What are you even talking about Mark.."

"Quit bullshitting me alright?!" Mark cut you off before you could finish your thought. He let out a deep breath before continuing on.

"Here, why don't you read it. Maybe it'll jog your memory." You grabbed the pieces of paper from his hand. Confusion was still floating around your mind when you opened the pieces of paper again. As you stared down at the words on the sheets, your eyes instantly were glistening.

 Your suicide note..

Looking up at Mark, a single tear spilt down onto your cheek.

"I completely forgot about this, I swear.. I thought I'd lost it..." He raised a hand in the air as if to silence you from speaking.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. It's been a long day, I'm going to bed.. on the couch.." Without saying anything else, Mark walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. You knew Mark was displeased with you when he said he was going to sleep on the couch. If there was anything you knew about him, you knew he hated sleeping on couches. 

More tears came down your face as your eyes landed upon the paper. You weren't lying when you said you had forgotten about it. This was written shortly after high school. You were in a bad place throughout the back half of your career as a high schooler. The whole suicide and depression part of your life, you just wanted it in your past.

That part of you has been gone for quite some time, so you figured it wouldn't hurt if Mark didn't know. It was no longer a part of you, and you never figured he would be this hurt by you not telling him.

Sliding down onto the floor, tears were coming down like a waterfall. Your past was coming back to bite you in the ass, and it wasn't pleasant.

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After hours of restless sleeping, you eventually gave up and swung your feet over the edge of the bed. The argument you and Mark had constantly played through your mind. Even though you believed he was over-reacting, you knew he had a point. The two of you had been together for almost 2 years, and you've shared everything with each other, except this. The fact that he was angry with you tore away at you. He's never been this angry with you the entire time you've known each other.

Your eyes were drawn to the pieces of paper that were near the foot of the bed. You couldn't seem to stop yourself as you bent down slightly and picked them up. Slowly, you flipped the paper around in your hand before unfolding it once again. This time, you started reading.

If you're reading this, you've found me. However I've decided to do it; whether it be by swallowing a bunch of dad's pills, cutting, or old fashioned hanging, I have successfully ridden myself from the world. This may come as a shock to a lot of you, but this was coming. I haven't been happy for a long time, no matter what the fake smile on my face may have said.

Believe me, when I say that I know what I'm doing, I know what people think about me, this was for the best. When you constantly get comments from people saying that the world would be a better place without you, you start to believe them. Eventually, that kind of shit just wears a person down. I was lucky to hold out this long.

There were moments where I thought about saying something, but I quickly shut my mouth. Nobody would understand what I was going through, I mean if no one understood me when I was a regular girl without these problems, why would they understand me now?

This is my goodbye. I know I'm leaving people behind, but I'm in a better place. I'm no longer trapped by everything that's been weighing me down 

I'm Free.

The letter fell to the ground, as your hands started shaking so much. You no longer were hiding it, you started bawling as you sat on the edge of the bed. Reading that letter brought back so many memories of all those painful years. You remembered the exact moment you had written this letter. Squinting your eyes shut tightly, you tried blocking out the memories that slowly made it's way back to your brain.

In the midst of your bawling, you didn't hear the footsteps that had made their way into the room. Glancing up, you saw Mark standing there in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, concern mixing in with the tired expression on his face.For some reason, the sight of him made you cry even harder.

Without any words, Mark made his way over towards the edge of the bed. He sat down next to you before pulling you up against him, so you were practically curled up in a ball on his lap with your head against his chest.

"Shh, it's ok." Mark comforted you as he rubbed his hand in slow circles on your back. "Everything's going to be alright. I'm sorry I got angry with you, I got caught up in the moment." Resting his chin on top of your head, he gently placed a kiss in to your hair.

"We'll get through this..together."