My Infinite Oblivion

Everything

I haven't been on Wattpad in a while. I've been growing up, making decisions, watching the world unfold around me as a consequence to my actions. Everything I thought created who I am - is dead.

I've sought after validation from my elders and peers my entire short life, always seeking to fit in and live a simple, happy life, yet at the same time I've yearned to make the unlikely things into fashion, to make my mark on the world, to not die as a simple, fragile thought in the back of someone's mind, pushed behind to avoid giving in to perfectly human emotions. My mind, for as long as I've been trying to understand it, has never been the greatest decision maker. Whether it's panicking and suddenly agreeing to buy a 20c extra plastic bag in a shop when confronted without suitable preparation or walking that fine line between sheer happiness and mixed, anxious, angry, joyful emotions, debating which edge to recklessly fall over, it's always been the same. As someone who yearns for constant certainty in their life, my brain sure is fucked up.

As mentioned afore in the first paragraph, everything I always found solitude in that contributed to the person I have become, is deceased, rest in peace. I always had a very straight line demonstrating what I can and cannot do, testing my abilities with each and every challenge, and now it's all shattered before me. A mere event will occur, for example earlier on I was cleaning my dog's bowl when it slipped out of my soapy hands and shattered on the floor. I was reduced to tears within seconds, anxiously brushing up the shards whilst being scolded, doing it so fast and so quickly my fingers bled from my carelessness. "Karma," I justified in my mind. After the deed was done and the floor was safe to be walked upon once more I began my shaky ascent to my bedroom, in which I dramatically threw myself on my bed like a distraught Disney character and fought back tears. I thought about how stupidly I had reacted to such a small event, how this person I had created an image for, with standards that didn't accept such a pathetic display, and this façade I created broke like a mirror - or the bowl, in this case.

My entire life has been myself fighting against what my brain perceives as the 'norm' and 'acceptable' in today's society. I have thoughts, ideas I have been conditioned into never speaking of, for fear they will not be accepted and I would be cast out. My body runs on that need for validation from others, to know that I look okay to walk down the street in, to know that the €45 jumper I knew I would be grown out of in a few months and of which colour didn't particularly compliment my skin tone would make my peers gaze at in envy, leaving my bank account distraught, yet ignored. Thus, a persona of myself was created, a person I became lost in to the point I did not understand who I was before. All of these qualities I sported were associated with me, myself and I only; favourite TV shows, hairstyles, books, artwork, the like. I understand this may cast an arrogant shadow but it was these qualities were what shaped this character I built in order to sustain a lifestyle socially acceptable. In this character, I lost myself. Nobody noticed, but inside my brain was going havoc for years on end from the age of 11/12. I assumed this was the norm, but after that bowl fiasco I had to admit to myself, "was this the way I wanted to live my life until the inevitable end of my days? A corpse inside a living body?"

My class studied Romeo and Juliet in school, and a quote frequently springs to my mind that Romeo himself performs.
"I have lost myself. I am not here. This is not Romeo; he's some other where."
I know comparing myself to Romeo sounds fairly questionable after you address our two situations but I feel this quote applies greatly to my situation. I have created such an illusion of myself and lived happily yet unhappily in this life that I am not sure whether the life I live is a lie to myself or whether this is truly the person I am, yet my brain once again is creating such a mess I am unsure. I am not sure if this is typical teenage hormones, angst or any of the like, but as far as I have seen I am the only one to voice my problems like this. I need validation from myself, yet after so many years of constant uncertainty I'm not sure what is there to validate.